more time

he spent more time on me than i've spent in a great while. a customer at work offered to cut my hair, and i took him up on it tonight. i had been thinking about it for a while. i know, i mentioned it before, but it helps me to contextualize things. and so, tonight i went to see him, he was gracious, kind, and warm. perhaps those are all the same things, but very distinct in my mind. i felt herky jerky next to him, he glided around his salon. it was the owner who cut my hair, and spent nearly a half hour blowing it straight as a my daughter's. but i'll sleep on it and it will be gone. no one up to take my picture, and i've no camera.

i laughed as he was doing it, and said,

i'ts been years since i've blow dried my hair.

he replied,

it's not a crime to look good.

and i smiled. i understand where he's coming from, he's in the looking good business. but i've made peace with my looks. and i was pleased he didn't want to color my greys. he didn't even mention them, though i saw a couple of them stand up at attention a couple times. whatever.

i do feel beautiful, something about allowing yourself to be pampered, makes you feel worth something. i guess that's why people do it. and i've a poem i've needed to write for some time, maybe this feeling will help it congeal. it's an incredibly vulnerable moment, the one i seek to capture, but what else is new.

i don't seem to know how to write anything but vulnerability. so be it.

and my boss talked me down from the emotional twelfth floor tonight. though i wish it had been my sister instead. i hate to fall apart like that, but sometimes, i lose perspective, sometimes perspective goes out the window and i don't know what to do except fume. and fume i did.

so much happened today, it was a whirlwind, and maybe i'm just tired from it. that conceivably could have been every little thing that was wrong.

but then as i drove home, my girl called, welling up because sunday i leave.

there is nothing i can do about that. nothing except go. it is time for me to go.

more time will not change this. the situation cannot ever be improved, it must be abandoned.

but things aren't always what they appear. and my advisor had a very calming effect on me today. then i went to work. hmm...