dive deeper

i didn't realize how deep it would be when she mentioned,

i think i lost my goggles by the drain.

we were in the eleven feet deep part of the pool, and i said,

i'll get them for you.

and down i went. since i couldn't see them from above the water, i had no idea where they were and had to feel around. i hadn't realized how challenging it would be. so i came up and shot back down before i let the gravity of the situation dissuade me. i don't like to be dissuaded. i like to do what i'm going to do, consequences be damned.

she said,

you're an excellent diver,

when i came up arm outstretched like the lady of the lake with goggles in my hand. she took them from me and i grabbed the sidewall, it was deep and i held my breath a long time. longer than i'd realized. i couldn't have a conversation at that moment, but it felt good and i felt strong kicking with all my might, powering down to the floor and grabbing those goggles sight unseen.

my girl was proud of her momma, and that isn't bad for a day's work.

when i arrive at the pool, it is always after i've been to the gym that morning, and usually, i've worked a full day (though today only six hours, my work is labor intensive). i tend to use a noodle to take the work out of swimming, because i'm so tired i can hardly stay afloat. and i've lost so much weight, i sank to the bottom the last time my girl jumped on my back. though i'm hardly skin and bones, i've reached the sink end of the bouyancy scale.

so i drag my tired body across the pool, making my girl do laps for a half hour before i will let her play. do i need the workout, no. of course not. but i can't sit on the sidelines and watch, besides, it's swimming and i'm a pisces. all water and foam. it's my element.

so we swim and swim and swim.

and today i got to dive.

i hadn't had to do that in a great while. when we went to the pool in the summer we dove a lot because it was my girl's diversion. she would throw her diving toys in, and this was before she gained confidence, i would hold my breath and dive down with her while she got the toys and swim beside her as she collected them. but diving in five feet is very different than blindly diving in eleven. only, i hadn't realized it when i began. and i think this is what saves me. my naivete.

tonight at work i had to break some tough news to another supervisor who is struggling with a great deal. and she was just frustrated and so i broke it down for her. i told her,

i can't reconcile where this company (or any company, for that matter) is at, so i do what i can to make your life easier, to make my boss' life easier, to make our partners' lives easier.

that i can do. those little kindnesses are all i can manage somedays (and somedays not, i'm by no means perfect). but that is what gets me through this. the corporate situation is too much for me to contemplate, so i see what i can do to make your life easier.

i don't know if it helped. though she was smiling when i left. granted, i was singing,

you're the one that i want, ooh hoo hoo, honey!

from grease. and undulating my hips. but she was smiling. that is all we can hope for somedays. a smile.

folks, i don't know what will happen. but i trust that it will be well. that if we make the lives of those closest to us, by that i mean, in our proximity, that is all we can do. and if we each do this, utter little truths, speak in great kindnesses, trust in abundance, then it will be well, regardless. even if it gets tough.

i have to believe. i'm still not sure in what. but i have to believe it will be well. it must be well. it shall be well.

i believe this.