my home

curiously, i secured a place without knowing where it is. true to form, leap then look. that is how i live my life for the most part. so i had to ask, now that i've confirmed that i am in fact going there. and the reply i got was,

your new home is...

and it made me almost cry (i think i'm too tired to cry).

my new home. may it be so. may it be a place of peace, a refuge. it is tucked in the cleft a of a mountain. still in ny. so i won't lose my residency or have to change my plates, very pragmatic, i know.

i would like a glimpse in the future.

and the gentleman i always think is you, is not, came in tonight. and i wished he were you. and i spoke to him as if he were you before me. i looked into his eyes but they did not embrace me as yours would. and i wished again, for you. as i find myself always wishing, for you. only for you.

and i get angry now when i see a hawk. i feel like they are mocking me.

i've lost perspective. i don't know how to get it back.

i'm just going with it. and feeling what i feel.

maybe my new home will be an actual home, where i can figure out what to do next.

i hope so.