hold steady

sometimes i think if i can just hold my line a bit longer, i'll make it. i'll arrive. other times, i wonder if i'm just frozen from fear, and making excuses for not moving. but that can't be the case, because i am, in fact, moving, in every sense of the word.

it's one thing to be static and immobile. entirely another to stop and collect thyself.

i guess that is what it comes down to, being scattered. i try not to feel like roadkill, but sometimes, some days, i feel like despite my best efforts i'm all over the place.

i'm boxing up my life at the moment, and finding there is more than i care to lug around with me. where does all this stuff come from? and why does it accumulate so?

i don't want any of it. i need to just let it go, but right now, i'm putting as much of it as i can, in boxes i can lift. that is the key, not asking for help.

i'm moving in under a week my sister tells me, and, well, i plan on doing it all by myself. it's a big job and i'm tired already. but i've got to get on with it.

got to.

i made a big scheduling foible at work. my first. the first time my boss has trusted me to fix the schedule because he fell ill. and, well, i messed it up a bit. not irreparably, but enough to irritate the kids. and remember, kids are all i work with.

it's a fine line between pissing them off and coddling them. either way in either direction means they won't work, and that is bad.

it's frustrating sometimes, but i learned a lot from this experience. i'm grateful for the trust. i just hate making mistakes. i hate it.

perfection is not an option, i try to remind myself of this. as i bump into cars on the road. as i neglect the child i've given everything to. as i now have to work and work hard, work long hours. she doesn't really understand.

i don't know how to make her understand except to keep saying, i have to work.

and then i see the new things her dad has bought her today. always something new. this from the man who is feeding me the line about how broke he is.

it makes me sick, really, it does. but she's not aware of it. it's a quick fix. i know this, and i'm not in the quick fix business. plus, i have to scrounge every penny i can at the moment (not sure how well that is going).

i'm just rambling on now. tired, frustrated. in need of a hug. but won't get one for a long time. and that's just sad. but, it is what it is.

i must away.