ouch.

so, i'm a distracted driver. you knew this. i knew this. it is no surprise then that i rear ended someone. fortunately we were both at a dead stop before it happened and she had a heavy duty bumper. :D bless the gods for towing hitches. so while my license plate is now concave, her car is fine.

and i breathe a sigh of relief.

all i could see was me doing something dumb to my car and needing to get it fixed. but it is fine. my pony is strong.

for that i'm grateful.

it's strange, my girl is at school. literally. we're no longer homeschooling, and that is odd. i didn't take her, either. and that, too is odd.

everything is changing. and i'm on the fringes of what used to be my life wondering when it will look like someplace i want to be again (my life that is, not what used to be. there is no going back there for me).

a good long drive up to vermont will do me good. i need to start packing, too. culling some things i'll need and throwing most of what i have away. why lug it around.

marion woodman would say,

we go through these birthing canals and we can't bring anything with us.

that is very much what this feels like. it's frightening in one sense because it's unfamiliar, but it's exciting in another because it's unfamiliar.

the stuff i really want to leave behind are my destructive patterns. i'm ready to change my life entirely. but now i'm on this work sleep work sleep hamster wheel and i know my kid is getting angry about it.

i don't know how else to be, i'm preparing for some eventuality, i'm not entirely certain i have prepared enough. so i must do what i can now to make sure i just don't fall into the abyss. ah, so dramatic.

it's all set. i'm moving 1/25. not sure where yet, i've not mapped it or looked it up. but i drove through the town the past couple days and my heart beats quicker and my breath gets stolen away by the beauty of it all. i'm sure it will be beyond my imagining. far beyond.

and this is exciting.

i've lost a few more inches. the pounds are slowing down, but i'd rather lose inches than pounds. i've had many more inches of me than i've needed for a long time. nice to see them packing up and heading out. i forced myself to go to the gym today because i must keep some semblance of routine in my life, other than work and sleep.

fortunately, my work is very physically demanding, so i get a good workout there. it is no job for slackers, that's for sure. and i got my raise, so that makes me happy.

it is well, i may even be happy.
but i'm still a bit tired. trying to sleep it off and come up with some plan.

but it's a big world and i'm not sure where to begin.

mostly, i think i'll just walk down the road that presents itself. as i don't have any great inspiration or aspirations at the moment. i'll just follow where my feet lead, that has done well for me in the past.