heavy hand

today i have to turn in my paper, normally it would be in yesterday. and i could have, but i decided to wait and give it a once over today. touch it up somehow.

i'm nervous about it, because i value this poet's judgment. and it makes me tremble to be so vulnerable to submit my work to someone in this capacity. but this is what i've wanted and needed. a critical eye to question my choices and lead me higher. i tend not to follow though, and i guess the thing i fear most is not accepting his lead.

i need a tender hand to guide me, not a heavy hand.

i don't remember the last tender hand that led me, yes i do, but it's been a long time. long time. and i'm wandering lost now. does that mean i'll settle for any hand? no. it means i wander lost until i am found or find my way, whichever comes first.

it's a curious moment in my life. so much i want to say, but cannot. so much i want to do, but cannot.

i need time to work its magic. i need magic. but i'm beginning to fail at mustering the courage to keep believing.

dreams have kept me alive this long, but i try to wake from them and find it difficult to engage. difficult to be awake with my eyes open.

yet i have to believe there is more to come that what i've seen. more life and joy than what i've known.

i don't like to call it hope. hope has beaten and abused me. but i'd rather call it trust. i trust it will be well.

that the heavy hand will not hold me back or harm me, but the gentle hand will guide me. this i still believe.