rest your head on my shoulder

so i saw bucky today. i am, have been frantic. i don't know that i can change my life and this thought plagues me perhaps more than any. perhaps everything i've ever believed and hoped in, is a lie. and i'm simply and utterly a fool. i'm having a rude awakening, i think. perhaps that's it. perhaps the skeptics and cynics have been right all along. and those who dream and believe are the lost souls. i don't know. but it sure felt that way today.

bucky was in his stall when i arrived and stopped eating to just look at me as i scratched his face and neck. i cried a bit because i've been stressed to the point of explosion. cranking my music seems the only way for me to cope sometimes, so i did. and sent my girl away so i could see bucky alone.

they came to turn him out and i went to help my girl.

she started the stall and i finished it, turning over every last shaving. this is a metaphor for life, i kept telling myself.

keep the good, throw the bad away.

i remembered to wear cowboy boots today, so i finally didn't have to gingerly walk. i could even dance a little.

i wandered out to where my girl described i'd find bucky (she's been handling the research end of things), and i found him sure enough. out. the snow covered ground was firm under my feet, and he crunched over.

my god he's gorgeous. dorsal stripe. dark legs. buckskin with two tone mane. just beautiful.

i stood at the rail to his paddock, and he let me scratch him some more. he gently put his lips on my free arm and held to my shirt in his teeth. i'm not sure why he did that. so i used two hands to scratch him.

his big nose in my face.

he kept moving his lips on my skin, my hands, my face, my neck.

he was giving you horsey kisses,

my girl said on the way home.


then the other stallion, whose name i do not know wandered over, and nudged his way in. he kept trying to run off bucky, but i kept edging away from the tall black stallion and standing between them, to where i could reach bucky and him.

they were very gentle and i was very broken today. at one point, bucky put his head on my shoulder and found the stick in my leather hair piece. i think he wanted to take it, but i pulled away.

he fogged my glasses with his breath and the black stallion stood right by me and breathed in my face.

it was curious having my hands on these giants and they were really loving me, letting me love them.

i have this knack for loving things that aren't mine. i must lose this habit. but it felt natural to be there between those two stallions and then i left them to muck out another stall.

i returned halfway through, and the love fest continued. the black stallion always trying to drive bucky away, but i wouldn't let him go. he was who i was there to see.

i've never been so close to a horse, and that he is not mine is curious.

i don't know why we've met, but i think he's lonely. and doesn't mind receiving my attention. he knows i'm there to see him.

i said goodbye to bucky, who looked me in the eyes, often his eyes were half closed and he was relaxed. i hugged him around the neck and told him i'd be back.

i've never had a horse rest his head on my shoulder before. it's quite an experience. as long as animals and children trust me, i'm good.

i think they see who we are beyond all our foibles and fouls. they commune with our souls. and we theirs. i had no idea i could love, let alone like a horse. and i will enjoy him while i can.