i have to put up with both of you.

to sum up a fine family weekend, let me just give you a snippet of converstaion.

i, to my husband say,

i have to put up with you.

he replies,

i have to put up with you.

my daughter chimes in,

i have to put up with you both.

we both reply,

you win.

it was a wonderfully irritating, horribly pleasant weekend. if locking three people up together, two of which act like the cobra and the mongoose, is something you care to witness. i keep hissing trying to calm the mongoose, and he keeps lunging trying to calm me. it doesn't work out so well.

so we sit in silence beside each other when we have to. we say very little that matters and what does get said has the force of eruption behind it.

be glad you're not in my family. though we try to tolerate one another, it's easier just to keep it shut and look away.

when will the madness end? i don't know. but i have some particular views on horses from this weekend which i didn't have before.

i don't care for a circus because the animals are made to do unnatural things and kept unnatural environments. i'd have to say the same about show horses. they are made to do unnatural things, and if i ever, when i get to own my own horse, i just want a plot of land somewhere and a job to pay the bills. nothing fancy, no need to make him sit on his haunches like a dog, or roll over (i kid you not).

amusing as it was kids, i didn't care for it one bit.

seeing the trainers ride bridleless, bitless and bareback, now that struck me as something intriguing. one particular mountainhorse had this bareback pad, which looked like a large swath of leather, that is my ideal i think. if i had to use anything.

one trick rider said,

i'm too lazy to tack.

which was cute, but i think seeing the way he handled his horses and the steps to get to that point, it looks like some direction i would like to go. not to roman ride them, or be fancy. but to evolve with them. which just sounds weird, i know. but i'm weird, remember?

this weekend served to confirm something stirring in my heart for sometime, and now i will pursue with renewed vigor. i can't say what because that makes it all too vulnerable. not like anyone really reads these ramblings, but still. i have ideas. a peculiar point, place in time i am working my way to. a life waiting for me. and i will arrive there soon. day by day. and that place, as i've made no secret of, will include horses.

i told my husband this weekend that i'll be starting a new career as a stable hand. he didn't seem impressed. but the man has never been impressed with my ideas. they are merely the jumping off point for his own ways. i'm certain if i suggest something it is the only thing to be ignored/denied/refused. so i don't suggest anything. i make up my mind and do my thing. that is how it works.

i don't want animosity to be the key factor in my family life. i want peace. something akin to comfort. a partnership, which at this moment seems beyond my grasp. but it will not elude my long, i promise.

that which is mine will come to me.

and i will recieve it well. i will be ready. i am preparing even now.