more, better

so, my packet returned from my mentor is good. but i'm so over everything i've written and she wants me to delve in deeper.

it's my own damn fault. i walked down this road. hell, i blew the mountain to bits to get this road established, but i did this. it's my fault.

shit.

so, i will just put it all out of my mind, as i'm inclined to do. let it all sit there until i have the time and energy to deal with it.

there were a couple new poems (new to her anyway), that she said, i wouldn't touch this.

again, back to my same old saying, what do you want, strong finished poems or a semester window of writing. two entirely different streams there.

but we do agree on many things, and she was glad i took the risk to write what i needed to. i had to, there was no alternative.

at least tonight, i can breathe.

that's helpful.

aller geez!

i'm still wiped out from innundating my system with benadryl. seems the only thing that is helping me at all right now. showed up at work yesterday and i'm in a benadryl haze and my boss looks at me and says,

you're so quiet, i'm worried.

i'm all hopped up on benadryl.

oh,

she says.

probably not the best way to be at work, but it's either that or not functional at all. so, at least i rested last night. one of my texas best friends kept texting me last night, and i just wanted to sleep. it takes me a long time lately to get there, to rest, that is.

but it's nice to have someone who will not quit loving me however gangly and ungainly i appear.

i guess i need to go see an allergist. i hate going to the doctor. don't take meds regularly, but i haven't been this bad in aeons. i guess it's the exhaustion factor compounding it.

my sister sent me this song that when i hear, makes my heart ache. there is something to be said, the ability to capture that kind of longing. do i want to be the one to do that, no. not anymore.

let's move on. i'm tired of the same subjects. but i do know that when i announce a new phase in my writing, it happens. there was a period when i said to my poets, (who of course are not mine but they are mine, understand)

i am going to examine my marriage now.

and that began a journey which produced some of my most memorable lines. people respond to those poems.

the last exploration i startingly set upon must give way to something new.

just not sure what it is. i can't identify it yet.

used to be i'd just have these rapidfire connections. things somehow came together. but whether it's the benadryl or some other disconnect, things are firing, but not in any given direction.

having said that, i shall away. work eventually. i must force myself onto all fours (sometimes it would be nice to be a fourlegged, i think). perhaps i'll be a biped again come work. who knows.

breathe

i don't know that now is the time to start a new job. i only know that if something seems right, a door opens, i'm inclined to walk through it.

i love words, live for words. it is only fitting then, that i find my way to a job where words are my staple. we'll see what happens.

one door can lead to another. and i'm ready for this. so ready.

trying to manage allergies, which are brutal. we've been having these disucssions at work and i'm not the only one is battling a headload full of shifting crap. this weekend is more daytime hours, the coming week, mornings. i wouldn't mind a set schedule, and this new gig would be wonderful.

i figure, it doesn't hurt to apply.

i've essentially alienated myself from everyone. i have to. it's a means of survival at this point. mountains of laundry, all with my name on them, and work relatively soon.

time to get up, or at least get up for a moment to throw a load in before work.

the tasks line up, but i'm grateful they present themselves in some order that alleviates some of the need for me to think them through.

just do the next thing.

that is how i move from moment to moment. just the next thing.

and breathe.

alone

i think i'm missing something. because i'm not feeling it anymore. the joys of being solo. yet, being around people thoroughly annoys me. i'm tired, not too much fun of late. more in the work mode, get stuff done, and go home to crash. it's strange. wanting to be around people, then when i am, wanting only to get away.

i have to figure out some way to make peace with being alone again. i think that my schedule is just so packed that i'm racing from meeting to meeting, and event to event, that i don't enjoy the interim like i used to. it's so much about pooling strength for the next exertion that i can hardly enjoy the downtime.

turned in my packet on time, which is good, but i don't know what i'm doing. in just about every area of my life i feel i've lost my way. again. how does one repeatedly get lost as i do? it's almost comical.

where is she?

lost again.

oh well, it happens.

it's a strange thing to be solo. i'm not sure what i want. trying to detach from those who know me most intimately, and that is tough. they know me intimately because i love them. i am fiercely loyal to those i love. but i don't know that it's working anymore. that my loyalties are not misplaced.

i sat there saying, i have to let go. i have only a few places in my life for people and if they are taken by those i'm just keeping around, it's time to let go.

but i'm afraid.

sometimes the fear is so palpable, i feel it in my chest. it's like a great weight. and i try to just go with it.

i guess i'm not as good at letting go as i thought i was.
a lot of my perceptions are changing, which isn't a bad thing. i just don't know how much a person has to change in life.

ah, enough of that.

i'm hungry. i've got meetings stacked up today, and much to do.

i'm going to get up, go get breakfast, and make it happen. maybe even load the crock pot before i head out so we have dinner waiting for us.

dinner is nice. it's an emotional hug.

i have realized that i can let everyone and everything else go, but i need to be present for my child. to be doting. i've never been a doter. i'm trying to moderate that, but she's already 13, i don't have much time left to fawn over her. she deserves it. and if i can muster any energy, best to spend it on her.

the strange thing about all this is, i feel like i'm growing up.

it's very strange. doesn't aging mean growing up?
but i have found some very stunted emotional areas in my life, of late. i am trying to encourage those places, to bloom.

hear now

i'm listening to chris cornell and eddie vedder kind of mano y mano with beatles covers. they have such gorgeous voices. that deeply masculine thing that i so enjoy. and the acoustic guitar is to die for.

have to get up soon, going to go visit my friend who may not even want to see me. life has gotten suddenly complicated, now when i have no energy to deal with drama.

what to do?

what i've always done, i guess. show up. be myself. hope it works out.

meanwhile, i'm folded over in her backseat hiding from her husband thinking,

how whack is this?

it's strange, really.

today is his birthday. i don't know that i can even speak directly anymore. but sometimes, i still go down that path. it leads to nowhere. sadly. it once held so much promise, so much life.

but the trail's gone cold and i'm trying to find my own way. make my own place of peace.

it seems so far away. beyond reach.

but i can get there, one step at a time.

as i wrote in a poem so long ago, hew my own vessel, forge my own way.

it would be nice to have a companion on the journey, i must admit.

what i want to do

is edit. it's all i want to do. now, if i have to turn down an editing job for my coffee jockey job, i'll just have to spit.

i'm so tired. this is no way to spend my life.

my best friend and i are not communicating anymore, the lines are crossed and it's hurting my heart. i am going to trust it will all work out.

i thought i understood what love is. what it means. that i knew how to love. i'm beginning to think i have no clue. what i think is love is really just some dependency, some need, some tendency to cling. i had not thought of myself this way and it's marvelously unlovely. i don't like it. particularly because i pride myself on my independence.

what a crock.

we are a symbiotic system, none of us are truly independent. maybe that's what i'm realizing. i need people just as they may need me. i know my kid needs me, my sister, for what support i can offer from across the country. outside of those two, i'm not sure.

so, what to do now, with the palpable fear residing in my chest? where do i turn? how do i move forward from here?

this is when it helps to be committed to activity, momentum carries you.

but i'm tired, and i want comfort too. and there is just none to be had.

done is good

i cranked out my papers last night. couldn't sleep and just wanted it over with. may have gone before the muse, but i'm in work mode of late. managing exhaustion. so i can't wait around.

the exciting part is, i did what i wanted to do. the downside is, i may not have done my best work in the two hoop jumping exercises. i'm not a trained pony.

so, clive owen. cinema therapy.

who knows what i want. surely not i.

but i keep getting closer to it, i can feel it.

something i've wanted, i've been waiting for is coming.

will i be ready?

sixty to zero in thirty seconds

that's how fast i lose steam. we had a good day. i got up early, went to the bux and studied for a few hours. but i'm wiped out. have two or three papers to write, not sure what i'll do. if i'll draw the line safely on that side of expectation or if i'll do what i want. i tend to be a risk taker, but i'm just too tired to fight. too tired to deal with not jumping through the hoop i know is set before me.

it was a beautiful sunny day though, and that helps.

my girl is strong and happy. that helps, too.

now, if the muse will light upon me, that would be immensely helpful. there is no way around this. something has to happen. but first. i need to pass out for a while, i'm completely out of steam.

asleep awake

i've perfected the art of sleeping with my eyes open. i stand there, mind gone blank, in the shape and form of someone present. but i'm off, away, in dreamland. but this is a different kind of dreaming than i typically do. this is, hole up, hide inside and rest for a while.

jaded,

my best friend called it.

tired,

i counter.

i have about a thousand plates spinning and i have to just do the very next thing. there is no thing after for me. ask me about my plans, i have none. i have the direction i'm headed, that's about it.

i've found, curiously, that what needs to happen, does. the timing of it is perfect if i don't meddle, which i can't.

when will you be back?

(meaning, inhabiting my body, instead of just being in the room).

i won't be out of the woods until july.

then your residency.

yes.

so, maybe august.

next semester, i will have a critical thesis to write. and only that. i've been told by my current prof that the way that i write i can knock it out in two packets. semesters are typically five. i will probably let it ride, not rush it. not ask of myself more than a gentle easy pace. since this semester has felt like an endless sprint so far.

the thing about it is, i would do this now in a second, rather than be where i was two years ago. i wasn't just asleep i was dead. or at least dying. now, i'm alive. tired, but alive.

she shook her head in understanding. and we left. i called my sister to help with the drive home, because at least if someone keeps me talking, i have a better chance of making it home. understand that this day of fun (though i was anything but), came after a day of work. i get up at 4am, though yesterday i allowed myself a precious half hour more to sleep. so at 10:30, i'm finally home, and fried.

so, to not stressing about my paper due monday, which i have not finished.

they always come. always. i know it will happen again.

last time, i wrote a six page paper in about two hours before it was due. i don't like waiting that long, but i'm not sure i could have pulled it together before then. i'm sure i couldn't have. so, i will trust the muse to emerge when she is ready. in the meantime, i wait.

i sleep.

i rest.

with eyes closed. and that's a luxury.

divesting energies

i'm trying to take back what i've given away. break down the fortresses i built up in my mind. and i realize, the more i think about it, contemplate how to glut this one of power, the more power i empower the image. the idea.

i sit here with a knot in my chest. trying to breathe deeply, but only able to distract myself from the thing i want to think about. or not want to. the source of my comfort of late. but it's false comfort. it's faulty reasoning that has brought me here. i know this.

still i cling.

that is what i'm trying to let myself see, that i am building up castles in my mind that are only shadows. illusions. i have to wake myself up and see reality. and sometimes i wonder if i know how.

i have long loved the ally mcbeal series. my library just got it, so i'm indulging.

she's a hopeless romantic. so much in her own world, i understand.

my world is a wonderful place too. but i want to be present. deal in reality. and it's difficult. i knew this would happen, that by going there, reentering the poetic stream and reliving everything i've chronicalled, i have to relive it to chronical it, that i would end up someplace i may not like. not so much that i don't like it, but that the object of my scrutiny doesn't like.

so here i am. behind enemy lines.

those enemies that take residence in your arms, whose voice you hear in your head, who you dream of at night. those are the worst enemies of all.

they come offering something that will not satisfy.

and now, how to walk away.

freak me out

so, last night we're making our way home, later than usual. sometime after tenish. not too late. but the weather was INSANE. i see a bunch of cars stopped, some maneuvering, but i'm quick and go around a median to get by, only to find, it's a flooded intersection they are retreating from, and i'm driving into.

i turned my pony around and got the hell out of there as fast as i could, even driving on the wrong side of the road to get out. a couple cars passed me, we were all doing five or so miles an hour, but i was legitimately on the wrong side of the road trying to get the hell out of dodge before my engine flooded.

so, i zip away, and it's pouring, endlessly pouring. so much rain i've not seen in a great while. we come home and my girl is freaked out. i wasn't so freaked out, but just glad we didn't get stuck in north bergen on some dark flooded road with about a zillion other people. there were cars stuck on the medians, spinning out on the flooded grass. it was crazy.

my pony is very reliable.

and now, we're still recovering it seems.

we're supposed to be at a friend's house at 1pm, but it's nearly that and we're still in bed. i just called and got another hour. so we can zip over there. but the rain hasn't let up.

and our bathroom is flooded.

so, it's making for an interesting time. i just hope we have a safe journey over there. as we're leaving soon. i wasn't going to go, but i really want to see this person and spend time with her. she's amazing.

her kids are looking forward to playing with my teenager, too.

so. we're off. venturing out into the big wet world again.

when i pulled up to my friend's house in north bergen, i was hoping for a close parking spot. because the weather was so wild (the sign posts were all shaking furiously in the winds and rain). i parked right outside their front door. in good weather, that never happens. i'm so grateful it happened last night.

hoping for another run of favor today.

i seem to depend on it.

walk alone

i have turned back, turned aside, so many times. sought companionship on a journey i am to take alone. i understand this. perhaps i'm coward. perhaps i'm brave. i can no longer distinguish the two. but i know this. i am alone.

as i have touched upon before, autonomy is profoundly more difficult than subjugation. that these are the only things i see is testament to my nature. i have been told by so many to not be how i am. to feel less. when i began shutting down the feeling apparatus, to feel more. to be myself. and i wish i had just not sought companionship for the journey. that i would have just trusted myself from the beginning.

but i like people as much as i hate them.

picking up the mats and hearing the difficulties between two lovely souls at my work, i said,

this job would be great if it weren't for people.

and they both laughed. i was ready to off a customer for being a bitch, and they were at each other's throats. trouble is, i understood them both completely. i having been the supervisor trying to keep it cool and enforce the standard. i having been the one with hurt in my eyes at being misunderstood.

my advice to him,

know who you're working with and just go with it.

my advice to her,

he's inquisitive. just give him tasks and let it go.

they both mean well. hell, we all mean well. but it doesn't come off that way sometimes. and i struggle to know how to help. how to listen. how to offer support from the middle.

sometimes, the best help is to leave it alone. to walk away. there is no intervention that can soothe it. there is no way it will change soon. they have to figure it out, come to the answers themselves. everyone else is just taking sides.

that's the bottom line.

i won't take sides. i see both perspectives.

i have remembered so much of what i'd lost. forsaken, actually.

and i think, being alone is what needs to happen now.

but i miss my friends. the ones who soothe me.

it is that comfort that keeps me blind sometimes though.

does it follow then that discomfort helps me see? i don't think so.

i just want to forego dependence at this point. let me stand alone if i must.

my will is strong. and it will prevail. whether or not there is someone, or others beside me remains to be seen. but i cannot live my life counting the spectators in the stands. i have to be engaged in the game. play my part well.

and then, let the rest tend to itself.

i want to write. that's all i want to do.

that is not something done in a crowd.

inspiration, though, comes from unlikely sources.

work, work, work

so, i finally had the meetings that were cancelled due to snow. i can't believe it's only been two weeks since then. it feels like forever, but it also feels like no time has passed. how these two contradictions co-exist, i do not know.

met with my literacy program boss yesterday for an hour. it was a fruitful discussion and his head was spinning with all the details we discussed and that i've been working through. the minutia has only just begun.

so, i am rolling again. spent the morning drafting emails and trying to track people down. it's not easy when there is no budget for expenses. i read on the grant website that the grant is seed money, and fundraising will broaden your outreach. yeah right. maybe if i signed on months ago. this has to happen now.

and as we get closer, the stakes go up. i'm just trying to meet the grant verbiage at the barest level. any flourishes will be appreciated but not expected at this point. the trouble is, when they drafted this grant they made it very pie in the sky. they never checked to see if we could have an exhibit at the museum. i called to set it up and was met with a

we're booked until 2011.

but fortunately, people like me and i don't know how to take no for an answer, very pisecean that way, and so my will prevailed and we're going to have a small exhibition space. whew.

i keep saying, to fulfill the requirements of the grant. and to promote literacy, how can they argue with these things. though, we are drawing on their resources and utilizing their staff, i am grateful for the offer, and i am scheduling according to their availability--it's nice to have complete control of this thing.

so, if it goes off well, i will be commended.

if it flops, i will have done my best. it's tough, making something out of nothing.

so, i await the flurry of responses and prepare to have a whole weekend off. i'm so excited. officially done at my old store, permanently at my new store. and loving it.

i work in a few hours, until then, i'll just try to rest or get some schoolwork done. i've got two critical papers to write and absolutely nothing to say. (what else is new).

so, the wheel keeps turning and i endeavor to keep up.

it's all good. i'm forty now. and loving it.

wanted

i think i just worked my last day at my current store. now i'm free to be at my new store. i'm so, so glad. i hate being somewhere i'm not wanted. i asked my new boss how it's going yesterday, and she said,

i'm happy.

which is nice.

i just have to work. there is nothing else to the equation. i watched some pretty petty stuff go down the other day, but i can't get in the middle of it. i have no interest in the drama.

so i open the next two days, and then a day off. my belly dance class starts that day, and pilates. i am also going to spend the day with my best friend which keeps me sane.

i have all of next weekend off, which NEVER happens.

hopefully i will be able to see my best friend in new jersey on saturday. she's going to try to make it happen though things are going on in her life and it may not. in that case, i'll just spend the days with my kid celebrating. not sure what we'll do. we're supposed to go bowling, but i don't know if we'll do that.

i guess i'll get up and read. i am tired, but i can't stop doing school work. i have a couple books to get through for this next packet, though i have already completed all the required revision work. i banged it all out one day so i didn't have to worry about it. now, i'm glad i did that, because my brain is tired. just like the rest of me.

but it won't be forever. just a semester of this chaos.

and i am grateful it is my foray into my field. that i am moving forward in my life.

it is all good.

bodily weary

yesterday, i felt like i was asleep with my eyes open.

i went to see some old friends and one said,

go home, you need to get there safe.

i must have looked pretty bad.

came home, lay down, and couldn't sleep. my mind kept whirring and whirring. not in a bad way, just the way it does.

finally, i slept. and twelve hours later, i'm up. my body is tired. and i am glad my belly dance and pilates classes start this next week. i'm such a slug right now, it's not good. i've been told the only way to make more energy is to burn energy. so, since i quit my gym, i've been lazing a lot more than before. i force myself to the gym when i'm a member, so i need to join some gym, soon.

but this is just a season. so i am a mid today, and open the store for three days after that. i don't know that i'll accomplish much personally, but at least my schedule is consistent and sleep will be easier. meaning i can get some schoolwork done.

i was so fried yesterday i called my friend because the thought of trying to read or do work was beyond me.

she hugged me and cried, because i haven't seen her since halloween, haven't spent time alone with her since before that. before i got my kid. i've lost touch with a few people i care about, but it's not them. it's my life. my life is demanding at the moment.

so we ate, talked, and i am glad i forced myself to do that. it was long overdue.

now, the apartment looks like a bomb hit it, and i've got to go to work soon. will force myself into the shower, then get productive before i jet out.

sometimes, the body just has to do what it's told. it's no different from the gym. things have to be done. and done now.

i wish, in some ways, i could live up to the standards others have. that my apartment would be presentable at all times. etc. that i could have fabulous meals prepared for my kid, but i can't. i do the best i can. with my crock pot as my ally, and much forgiveness, we make it through.

even created a few dishes we really enjoy lately.

i did all the revision work required of me this packet, so i've just got reading and two critical papers to write. this is the easy part of the packet. the hard part was making sure my revision work got done. and it did. i just forced myself through it.

now, to think about all the other things that demand my attention.

finding my way, slowly, sometimes. but finding my way.

at last.

be here now

i am reminded of many things i had learned, thought i'd incorporated into my life.

seems i've fallen into familiar patterns and modes of thinking.

i need to remember the lessons i've learned and not forsake them. hardwon they were. hardwon.

sometimes though, i forget there are reasons for what i do. even if those reasons are buried in my mind, and i cannot uncover them at will. there are experiences i've had that have led me to this place, where i am today.

trusting that center. that knowing. trusting who i am, is profoundly difficult right now. i guess because it's not in opposition to anyone. i am just me. free. unencumbered (save by myself). and that is something new for me.

i am trying to understand how it works, atonomy. freedom.

i am making a lot of choices now, i wouldn't have made for myself previously, because i am incoroporating some level of comfort, however scant, into my life. comfort used to be my first sacrifice, now, it is a consideration.

ease of mind. ease of body. ease of soul. while they are none all attained at once, i must look to the care of each. and by ease, i don't mean lamborgini or harvard. i mean, ease for my life. in the context of my life. not extravagance. i don't and have never needed excess, expense. but i also have never feared expending what i need for what i want. abundance means very different things to us all. for me, it's a new pair of converse and a leather jacket. for someone else, not so much.

we saw avatar in 3d at imax last night. last night of it showing there is tonight. my girl got woozy from the 3d, but i loved it. it was gorgeous, soulful, and worth it. so worth it. we stayed out till almost midnight, and i kept telling her,

you only turn thirteen once.

we had a blast.

that, for me, is extravagance. but she is worth it. every bit of it.

her life has so radically changed as a byproduct of my liberation. i try not to let this guilt me into action, but to give freely, generously as i see it would bless her. i am not easily manipulated. i am not easily fooled. she knows this. she doesn't try very hard, because it's pointless.

i have to work today, and i just want to see the divine in everyone i meet. to find it in myself again. to understand that even when we fail, even when we're scared, even when our liberation costs others, changes their lives, that we are still worth liberating. by our liberation others are also set free, i believe this.

and today i go and live it.

i trust. it is my nature.

i will do my best today, and know peace.

revision

so, i see. revision is just that. seeing something again. coming at it from a new angle. i like what i'm seeing. what is happening. i don't know that i'm getting there, but i am definately taking it further than before. fleshing it out. making it quiver on the page.

my prof said this,

these poems bear equal weight. like you're lighting candles on an altar.

that moves me. she wants me to do backflips and the splits, and i just want to capture a moment.

sometimes a flickering candle is enough.

but i understand what she is doing. she is pushing me, it is her job.

blowtorch, not candle. though, at least she has demonstrated and acknowledged the validity of the candle approach.

i'm grateful for this challenge. it is what i need right now.

my girl

turns thirteen today. what a milestone.

and i begin, in earnest, revising every poem i've written this semester so far. to prove that i can do it. not necessarily to improve them. hopefully, they will get better, but this work is merely for my program. and i understand that. it's a curious thing, letting someone see the flow of my work as it comes. those closest to me know what this means. they have seen it. it's curious to trust an advisor with that flow. i was asked about the strength of the work, and again, i return to the question are these supposed to be a semester window of writing or are they supposed to be our strongest works. because invariably these will not be the same works if they want strong poems to hack to bits. (which is what happens)

i'm not sure i went the right way, but i went the way i go, as i'm inclined to do. so i have made my own bed, as they say. (have i noted how i hate them. the things they say merely serve to annoy me)

with this bed, this chosen field of poems, i have set my course. anyone could have seen this, anyone would have known this would be the outcome.

my mind doesn't work like anyone else's apparently. because i do what i do by instinct. now, i must follow through. typically i move from stone to stone across the current, but now, my prof is requiring me, as she puts it, to reenter the stream and flesh out the works i've provided.

what did i expect, really?

and, perhaps this is the best way to learn, with things fresh on my plate, rather than works previously written (which i will submit this time around. stronger works in need of scrutiny).

all this to say, i need a featured reading soon.

all this glutting of my own works, my closed in focus on them, without a crowd, without the energy of a crowd is wearying. remedied as easily, i'm sure by merely attending an open, but i'd rather have the spotlight and show them what i can do.

i have just found erykah badu.

i was telling someone i love that

i want to be as powerful as her with my art.

you are.

she replied.

and it meant something to me. however, i want more than just moments of it. i want to live my life from that place. to create and sustain myself from that creation because it is regarded as something. that is what every artist wants, i believe. right now i'm working to pay the bills, but i would like to work in relation to my art, to find my way into my field. to hang a shingle there. and make my way in a field that matters to me.

i want to edit. to write. to read. to teach.

that is all i've ever really wanted to do.

so the journey begins again.

i have remembered me

i went to my best friend in pieces today. hemmoraging from the past couple weeks. she, for other reasons, but was in much the same state.

to sit across the table from someone you love, from someone who loves you, is a powerfully rejuvenating thing.

be yourself,

she said.

because she could see what was happening.

i don't like where this is going. be who you are. let yourself feel.

you see, i had, have, plugged up my emotion. i have heard so much of late that i'm too emotional, and while i replied,

it is who i am.

the comments kept coming. be more logical. stop indulging.

and so i did.

now i'm being told to have a good belly sob.

which i find kind of hilarious.

so, i met this haitian man today. he drove the rental car and me back to retrieve my car from the shop. i was relaying some of the information about my car, and he said a few things. to which i replied.

he paused, and said,

you could have driven that car back even if it wasn't working. the mind is a powerful thing. you have confidence that doesn't just come from nowhere.

his english was slightly broken, but he understood me completely. he had my name and number. i will likely never see him again.

but he was a father figure, stepping into my life and saying,

daughter, you are gifted beyond belief. believe it. continue to live it.

you see, i know i'm blessed. i know i'm favored.

even when the shit is coming down, i am safe.

this does not always elicit shouts of joy from those who are in my life. even on the periphery (mostly on the periphery, those folk i have to deal with, and who, admittedly, have to deal with me. poor bastards).

i understand there is more at stake than what i see, and that i have to stop psyching myself out when someone comes down heavy on me. i am more powerful than i give myself credit for. but today, it was reaffirmed again.

it took a complete stranger from another culture to empower me, to remind me of who i know i am. to get me.

one of the things said of me was that i'm

on a very short leash

at work.

these people think we're saving lives or curing cancer. but i'm on no one's leash. and i never will be. no man, no woman has power over me. they may be in a position of authority in my life, but that does not give them control over me or my future.

so the bullshit perceptions that have been dumped on me, i have been standing back saying,

fuck you all.

and, today, i was reminded why.

that which is mine will come to me. when i'm ready to move to a new job, the job will find me, as they have all in the past. before that time, there is something here for me to learn. at the moment i think it is not to psych myself out. to accept the blows and learn to roll with them. to let them glance off me, and to give myself over to goodness. even in the face of complete and total bullshit.

i trust.

it will all be well.

how will it?

i don't know, it's a mystery.

now walk away

in attempting to understand the events surrounding me now, i have come to the conclusion there is little i can do except what i have done before. keep moving forward. i will not let perceptions define me. they are not right. i am trying to live my life and will. i mean to enjoy it.

do i understand what's going on? no, but apparently that is not a prerequisite of life. much of the time, i think, we have to play catch up with momentum. at least that's what i've found.

it has made me realize that i live in another world in some ways. my perceptions are also my reality. and my reality is very good. getting better all the time.

there is a difference between believing a thing into truth and wishful thinking. what that distinction is, i cannot say. i'm not sure i don't spend too much time wishful, rather than intentional. it's something i have to consider.

time for me to resume exercises in silence. time for me to pick up some of what i've let fall to the wayside. time for me to walk away from what i cannot possibly understand and just keep moving toward my dreams.

spent a bit of time on the phone with the ex recently, and while it is not my favorite way to pass the time, i'm grateful he tries to help me troubleshoot.

my girl's new laptop got a wicked virus and we spent an hour on the phone trying to figure it out. but i was tired. so we let it go to try again another day.

the other night i came home and my girl was on the phone with her dad and they had worked it through together. i am so glad, i had no time for fixing that computer. and no patience for it. it was utterly beyond me.

i fixed it mom!

she announced as i stepped in the door.
.

wonderful. i'm so proud of you.

dad says i'm going to be really good with computers.

yes, love.

whatever she chooses, i want her to excel at. whatever she wants, i want her to enjoy. sometimes, it has to come from other sources. i'm grateful there is more out there supporting her than just me. even though, at times, it feels like it's only me.

there is a ladybug clamboring around my laptop. falling from the open screen with a delicate thud. they are very helpless in many ways. trapped indoors overwinter.

i hear they are lucky.

much to do, must away.

blown gaskets

well, the phrase suits me at the moment. i knew my car, my beloved pony was having issues. it's been faithful for over ten years now, pushing 213,000 miles. and finally, the gaskets are all shot to hell and the water pump leaking.

i rented a car i didn't really need, though, i'm glad to have the convenience of it. and why not? if my kid needed me, i need to be able to get to her. that's justification enough.

just off the phone with my advisor, who understands me. i'm grateful for it.

there is, apparently, a long list of grievances against me, that i had not even known existed. i'm so naive. when i learn of these things it is always with some awe. some surprise. and i have to not psyche myself out with the negative spiral that could ensue.

today i didn't. i'm glad. my head is no place to be sometimes.

i just thought i was doing better than i am, is all. perceptions cannot be gauged. though i did tell my new boss today,

i'm overly honest. probably my own worst enemy. if i do something stupid, you will hear about it from me.

i've never been one to cower behind lies. the truth has been brutal but loyal.

i can't keep track of lies. so i don't tell them. the truth is bone jarring enough for most people. if you really want to shock someone, tell them the truth. it is guaranteed to influence people, and not always in a good way.

so, my boss hears me out, and says,

we're going to get along just fine. you sound like me.

and i laughed.

i don't care about promotion anymore, i don't know that i ever really did. and i have a manager who is giving me a chance to be myself and show her what i'm made of. is it perfect, no. but perfection is not possible. nor is it required.

i'm doing the best i can. that's all i can say.

if that's not good enough, then it never will be. and parting ways is welcome. i am just feeling tired right now, and had a long cry with my mentor on the phone.

i'm sorry she had to hear it. that i had to clamor through all that emotion, but she was honest and sincere in her concern and appraisal of the situation.

so many wearisome thoughts, i will just go cry.

maybe tomorrow, laughter will light upon me for a while. i will be in the care of my best friend who lets me cry for a moment and then says,

come on, let's go do something.

she's not emotional at all.

it's strange how it works for us, but she balances me and my overmuchemotion doesn't bother her like her overmuchlogic doesn't bother me.

i don't even get overmuchlogic. how do you become that way?

surely, i will never know. too busy feeling.

hopefully i will grow. i need to change. to learn from these trials. i'm tired of the same lessons. i want to move forward. emotionally as well as in other ways.

remember to let go

there is so much. my professor said,

i have learned that we need to walk close to our personal fault line. where it feels like everything is going to cave in, family, job, friends, relationships. the tricky part, is navigating a safe way out.

i have found myself at the epicenter of my life. it's curious that such things surprise me, but the build up to this certainly did.

now what to do here, besides gape in the hole, the rift that is before me.

feel it. it's what i know to do. last night, i put my head in my hands and wept. i went over everything again in my mind, what i've done the past year plus now, and if i would do it again.

and i would. for all the damnable trials of this season, it is where i'm supposed to be. there were no fewer trials then, i merely had someone to punt to. that's the thing, having a spouse is comforting in that they are a body beside you.

unfortunately for me, it was nothing more.

my girl said to me this past weekend,

you just couldn't last.

meaning, i left her dad, now here we are.

i replied,

you know what it was like. no, i couldn't last.

i know she thinks her life would be easier somehow, more familiar, but would it? does having back the familiar routine mean it's easier?

i have to answer no. particularly if that routine teaches her that a marriage is a deadlock in pain and misery. i had forgotten how to laugh. why i was alive. who i am.

that is no way to spend a life.

certain, this, i know pain. i know joy. i know myself again.

and each day, i learn more.

today, i have to get my car to the shop and rent a car. not huge dilemmas by any means, but perplexing in the timing of it and i really don't have a ride if i need one. again, no one to punt to.

so while i realized, my being stranded on the side of the road is a bad thing, i bought a membership to AAA. i am contemplating my options today. i was going to drop my car at the carguy's but then realized i'd be stranded at home. how to get to work.

better, to be in town, able to hop on a bus and cut my walk to work down. or, better yet, able to be picked up by the car rental place. i hope they have a car.

until now, i've had such an easy time of it. i just do what i do. while i feel fear and concern, there was someone to call. not so much any longer.

i am trying to make peace with the fact that i have to handle everything now. i have been handling everything, just last night it felt like a tidal wave. that one more thing sucked me under and i could not find my way up.

give me chocolate!

i told my kid.

and the placebo did little for me, but it was a diversion, certainly.

there comes a time when we must grow up. i have reached that place. am living from that place. and, well, finding it rather daunting.

all my comforts of the past are gone. and i'm grateful i have my girl. but i want to teach her how to be healthy and strong. independent.

hopefully, i'm accomplishing that. must get ready, the car ordeal begins. and i trust it will be well.