walk alone

i have turned back, turned aside, so many times. sought companionship on a journey i am to take alone. i understand this. perhaps i'm coward. perhaps i'm brave. i can no longer distinguish the two. but i know this. i am alone.

as i have touched upon before, autonomy is profoundly more difficult than subjugation. that these are the only things i see is testament to my nature. i have been told by so many to not be how i am. to feel less. when i began shutting down the feeling apparatus, to feel more. to be myself. and i wish i had just not sought companionship for the journey. that i would have just trusted myself from the beginning.

but i like people as much as i hate them.

picking up the mats and hearing the difficulties between two lovely souls at my work, i said,

this job would be great if it weren't for people.

and they both laughed. i was ready to off a customer for being a bitch, and they were at each other's throats. trouble is, i understood them both completely. i having been the supervisor trying to keep it cool and enforce the standard. i having been the one with hurt in my eyes at being misunderstood.

my advice to him,

know who you're working with and just go with it.

my advice to her,

he's inquisitive. just give him tasks and let it go.

they both mean well. hell, we all mean well. but it doesn't come off that way sometimes. and i struggle to know how to help. how to listen. how to offer support from the middle.

sometimes, the best help is to leave it alone. to walk away. there is no intervention that can soothe it. there is no way it will change soon. they have to figure it out, come to the answers themselves. everyone else is just taking sides.

that's the bottom line.

i won't take sides. i see both perspectives.

i have remembered so much of what i'd lost. forsaken, actually.

and i think, being alone is what needs to happen now.

but i miss my friends. the ones who soothe me.

it is that comfort that keeps me blind sometimes though.

does it follow then that discomfort helps me see? i don't think so.

i just want to forego dependence at this point. let me stand alone if i must.

my will is strong. and it will prevail. whether or not there is someone, or others beside me remains to be seen. but i cannot live my life counting the spectators in the stands. i have to be engaged in the game. play my part well.

and then, let the rest tend to itself.

i want to write. that's all i want to do.

that is not something done in a crowd.

inspiration, though, comes from unlikely sources.