alone

i think i'm missing something. because i'm not feeling it anymore. the joys of being solo. yet, being around people thoroughly annoys me. i'm tired, not too much fun of late. more in the work mode, get stuff done, and go home to crash. it's strange. wanting to be around people, then when i am, wanting only to get away.

i have to figure out some way to make peace with being alone again. i think that my schedule is just so packed that i'm racing from meeting to meeting, and event to event, that i don't enjoy the interim like i used to. it's so much about pooling strength for the next exertion that i can hardly enjoy the downtime.

turned in my packet on time, which is good, but i don't know what i'm doing. in just about every area of my life i feel i've lost my way. again. how does one repeatedly get lost as i do? it's almost comical.

where is she?

lost again.

oh well, it happens.

it's a strange thing to be solo. i'm not sure what i want. trying to detach from those who know me most intimately, and that is tough. they know me intimately because i love them. i am fiercely loyal to those i love. but i don't know that it's working anymore. that my loyalties are not misplaced.

i sat there saying, i have to let go. i have only a few places in my life for people and if they are taken by those i'm just keeping around, it's time to let go.

but i'm afraid.

sometimes the fear is so palpable, i feel it in my chest. it's like a great weight. and i try to just go with it.

i guess i'm not as good at letting go as i thought i was.
a lot of my perceptions are changing, which isn't a bad thing. i just don't know how much a person has to change in life.

ah, enough of that.

i'm hungry. i've got meetings stacked up today, and much to do.

i'm going to get up, go get breakfast, and make it happen. maybe even load the crock pot before i head out so we have dinner waiting for us.

dinner is nice. it's an emotional hug.

i have realized that i can let everyone and everything else go, but i need to be present for my child. to be doting. i've never been a doter. i'm trying to moderate that, but she's already 13, i don't have much time left to fawn over her. she deserves it. and if i can muster any energy, best to spend it on her.

the strange thing about all this is, i feel like i'm growing up.

it's very strange. doesn't aging mean growing up?
but i have found some very stunted emotional areas in my life, of late. i am trying to encourage those places, to bloom.