what i want to do

is edit. it's all i want to do. now, if i have to turn down an editing job for my coffee jockey job, i'll just have to spit.

i'm so tired. this is no way to spend my life.

my best friend and i are not communicating anymore, the lines are crossed and it's hurting my heart. i am going to trust it will all work out.

i thought i understood what love is. what it means. that i knew how to love. i'm beginning to think i have no clue. what i think is love is really just some dependency, some need, some tendency to cling. i had not thought of myself this way and it's marvelously unlovely. i don't like it. particularly because i pride myself on my independence.

what a crock.

we are a symbiotic system, none of us are truly independent. maybe that's what i'm realizing. i need people just as they may need me. i know my kid needs me, my sister, for what support i can offer from across the country. outside of those two, i'm not sure.

so, what to do now, with the palpable fear residing in my chest? where do i turn? how do i move forward from here?

this is when it helps to be committed to activity, momentum carries you.

but i'm tired, and i want comfort too. and there is just none to be had.