divesting energies

i'm trying to take back what i've given away. break down the fortresses i built up in my mind. and i realize, the more i think about it, contemplate how to glut this one of power, the more power i empower the image. the idea.

i sit here with a knot in my chest. trying to breathe deeply, but only able to distract myself from the thing i want to think about. or not want to. the source of my comfort of late. but it's false comfort. it's faulty reasoning that has brought me here. i know this.

still i cling.

that is what i'm trying to let myself see, that i am building up castles in my mind that are only shadows. illusions. i have to wake myself up and see reality. and sometimes i wonder if i know how.

i have long loved the ally mcbeal series. my library just got it, so i'm indulging.

she's a hopeless romantic. so much in her own world, i understand.

my world is a wonderful place too. but i want to be present. deal in reality. and it's difficult. i knew this would happen, that by going there, reentering the poetic stream and reliving everything i've chronicalled, i have to relive it to chronical it, that i would end up someplace i may not like. not so much that i don't like it, but that the object of my scrutiny doesn't like.

so here i am. behind enemy lines.

those enemies that take residence in your arms, whose voice you hear in your head, who you dream of at night. those are the worst enemies of all.

they come offering something that will not satisfy.

and now, how to walk away.