bodily weary

yesterday, i felt like i was asleep with my eyes open.

i went to see some old friends and one said,

go home, you need to get there safe.

i must have looked pretty bad.

came home, lay down, and couldn't sleep. my mind kept whirring and whirring. not in a bad way, just the way it does.

finally, i slept. and twelve hours later, i'm up. my body is tired. and i am glad my belly dance and pilates classes start this next week. i'm such a slug right now, it's not good. i've been told the only way to make more energy is to burn energy. so, since i quit my gym, i've been lazing a lot more than before. i force myself to the gym when i'm a member, so i need to join some gym, soon.

but this is just a season. so i am a mid today, and open the store for three days after that. i don't know that i'll accomplish much personally, but at least my schedule is consistent and sleep will be easier. meaning i can get some schoolwork done.

i was so fried yesterday i called my friend because the thought of trying to read or do work was beyond me.

she hugged me and cried, because i haven't seen her since halloween, haven't spent time alone with her since before that. before i got my kid. i've lost touch with a few people i care about, but it's not them. it's my life. my life is demanding at the moment.

so we ate, talked, and i am glad i forced myself to do that. it was long overdue.

now, the apartment looks like a bomb hit it, and i've got to go to work soon. will force myself into the shower, then get productive before i jet out.

sometimes, the body just has to do what it's told. it's no different from the gym. things have to be done. and done now.

i wish, in some ways, i could live up to the standards others have. that my apartment would be presentable at all times. etc. that i could have fabulous meals prepared for my kid, but i can't. i do the best i can. with my crock pot as my ally, and much forgiveness, we make it through.

even created a few dishes we really enjoy lately.

i did all the revision work required of me this packet, so i've just got reading and two critical papers to write. this is the easy part of the packet. the hard part was making sure my revision work got done. and it did. i just forced myself through it.

now, to think about all the other things that demand my attention.

finding my way, slowly, sometimes. but finding my way.

at last.