jaded,my best friend called it.
tired,i counter.
i have about a thousand plates spinning and i have to just do the very next thing. there is no thing after for me. ask me about my plans, i have none. i have the direction i'm headed, that's about it.
i've found, curiously, that what needs to happen, does. the timing of it is perfect if i don't meddle, which i can't.
when will you be back?(meaning, inhabiting my body, instead of just being in the room).
i won't be out of the woods until july.
then your residency.
yes.
so, maybe august.
next semester, i will have a critical thesis to write. and only that. i've been told by my current prof that the way that i write i can knock it out in two packets. semesters are typically five. i will probably let it ride, not rush it. not ask of myself more than a gentle easy pace. since this semester has felt like an endless sprint so far.
the thing about it is, i would do this now in a second, rather than be where i was two years ago. i wasn't just asleep i was dead. or at least dying. now, i'm alive. tired, but alive.
she shook her head in understanding. and we left. i called my sister to help with the drive home, because at least if someone keeps me talking, i have a better chance of making it home. understand that this day of fun (though i was anything but), came after a day of work. i get up at 4am, though yesterday i allowed myself a precious half hour more to sleep. so at 10:30, i'm finally home, and fried.
so, to not stressing about my paper due monday, which i have not finished.
they always come. always. i know it will happen again.
last time, i wrote a six page paper in about two hours before it was due. i don't like waiting that long, but i'm not sure i could have pulled it together before then. i'm sure i couldn't have. so, i will trust the muse to emerge when she is ready. in the meantime, i wait.
i sleep.
i rest.
with eyes closed. and that's a luxury.
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