easier to take it than say no

so i'm ready to explode, devoured all the chocolate at hand and decide, i better go for a walk, clear my head.

i get to the library, where all my walks seem to begin or end,
and the lady behind the counter is this nice lady who hurt her wrist recently.

the guy next to her is the noisy man. the one who lunges the plastic video containers from as far as possible creating a wretched clanging noise the entire time he's behind the counter. jars my nerves, i'm surprised it doesn't get to anyone else.

perhaps that's my problem, too much shit gets to me.

so i am listening to the loud man talk to a customer, or patron, whatever you call people who go to the library. and they are shooting the breeze about cookies and milk.

when the man is leaving, he says,

i'll call ahead next time for my cookies and milk.

the lady and i are just quietly doing our thing, me trying to stay out of the fray, the man, patron i think they're called (or we're called as the case may be), was one of those labrador types. who is all wagging tongue and tail, never met a stanger. and i'm in a foul mood.

i think i may be more pit bull. but i digress.

so he pulls out some chocolate "for the lady"

and she says,

don't feed the animals.

he doesn't get the hint.

gives her the chocolate.

she says,

thank you.

and he makes some comment everyone ignores about cookies and milk and finally leaves.

the lady behind the counter says to me,

sometimes it's easier just to take the candy, than to say no.

yeah,

i said.

grateful she just took it.

but as i walked home i began to wonder. is that the mo of my life?

have i taken so much shit at home, i lack the ability to say no? this question haunts me.

granted i don't take shit from those outside my familiar walls, but inside. that's a whole other story.

they would bend me backwards till i snap if i let them. and still want more.

i love them, don't get me wrong, but i swear i can't get a break.

these four days off have been all about them, and my schoolwork hangs over my head.

what am i to do?

my daughter has taken to waiting up for me at night. which i'm grateful for, but it is my study time. having her in the middle of that time, either watching tv or reading or whatever, is not helping me study.

i'm not blaming her. i'm not blaming anyone. i've just reached a place where i need a change and i need it now.

i've been calm and peaceful for as long as i can be.

i need a break. i should go to boston. or move to the city.

but i'm not sure i can or what i'd do when i got there.

tango classes are offered at the place that offers my belly dancing classes. i want to take tango like you can't imagine. i lack a partner though.

the story of my life.

i've just ordered a bunch of copies of my chapbook. we'll see what happens next (without poetry, where would i be?)