four days

i have four days off, including yesterday, so i guess only three now. my school semester ends thursday and i've lots to do to be ready for that. it's perfect timing that i have this respite from work. i needed it.

i'm certian i will complete my tasks, but there is always so much else pulling at me, i wonder how and when one learns tangible peace. that is my aim this year and i'm not sure how to go about it. how to incorporate it, make room for it in my life.

many times i neglect what must be done in favor of my art. art represents peace to me. it is a great outlet. a great triumph if i can make time for it and honor it.

but to neglect other things that demand my time, is that to dishonor them?

i hope not. but one can never know for sure.

there simply is not enough of me to do all that need be done. i have begun stating these limitations in no uncertain terms.

i cannot do everything, and i still try, but much, much, too much, goes untended in my opinion.

i need help. from those i live with, from friends. i need a lot of help.
perhaps much more than i even realize.

potential moves plauge us, and i never know how invested to get in these things. but they do wear on me. the possibility. the immense work of moving a household cross country, seems we can't just move down the street (though my husband suggested it at one point here and i nearly died. i have only one friend here and the idea of having to move my home, even my slim, trim, purged home exhausted me). flawed though our haunt here is, i don't have to move it, just maintain it. that is all i can do right now. maintain.

so i'm taking my girl in to the doctor today. and we still have no insurance.
that feels like such a stigma. and i struggle with the weight of it.

i keep wanting to change my life and i'm not sure how to go about it.

but being eyed by doctors and asked questions, innocent enough, i have to remind myself, it's all for the health of my beautiful child. i would do anything for her. does my lacking insurance mean i'm a bad mom? no. but sometimes i wonder if it doesn't look that way. though appearances never mattered much to me, it's hard to keep that mindset always. especially when the unexpected comes up.

if life is a stream of endless possibility, and believing is half the battle, then i've got a lot of restructing of the way my mind works to do. i don't know where or how to begin that process though.

so i trust friends to show me my blindspots.

and i will take these four days to counsel with the beasts and birds that frequent my life. they seem to understand more than i and are willing to convey it.

peace.