better now

i couldn't stave off the weeping, so i went out. my girl and i got pedicures and manicures. just the thing we needed.

always, we stop by the library, where all i could do was bury my face in my black veil and cry. when i was done, i rocked in my chair and tried to remember.

but things are so different now. the trees themselves have been altered and seem a shadow of who they once were.

so i came home and looked down the long dark corridor into the unknown, and found a few things out. made a few plans. sketched a few dreams in pencil.

and it gave me hope. i think there is perhaps nothing worse than not knowing. not being sure of what is to come and how it can be managed, or if it can be managed.

i was so gripped with doubt over my ability to manage it, i felt locked in place.

but i know now, i can manage it. it will require everything i've got, and leave none for anyone save my girl, but i can manage it.

my management certification is finalized today. i meet with the dm and my mgr to get some additional training. i'm looking forward to this, as this dm is a *$ dm. and my transition out would be better executed with his favor.

we hit it off last time, so i expect no different this time. and, i'm looking forward to what is to come. i have to familiarize myself with a lot of aspects of mgmt i've not even considered yet. and try to sharpen my skills before i need to fly.

all depends on this.

i'm grateful for the time off, but it felt, in many ways wasted by yesterday's foray into darkness. i saw it coming, i tried to stave it off, but could not. so i did not try to squirm out of the quagmire, just let it suck me in.

but i knew, i understood the difference now. and that is something.

many times awareness is the key ingredient to change. if we can recognize the things that are stifling us, the things that are draining us, our whack thinking, essentially, we are a step closer to changing it.

it is when we check out and function on autopilot that deeper ruts are carved in our psyche.

i was travelling down old ruts yesterday. but i know better than that. at journey's end, i am myself again. who i have always believed myself to be.

and now to harness the power of those true words. those good words. those powerful words.

like wild woman.

i curled up with clarissa pinkola estes again yesterday who reminded me of so much. my hope is that its roots go deeper in me and that unfavorable winds cannot uproot it so easily again.

peace.