karmic debt

it felt today like i had paid off some karmic debt. i don't know how to explain it. as i walked with a full wheel barrow to the ramp to dump the load in the spreader, i knew that it was something that i had to do. and that, in the coming weeks and years things will drastically change.

i can't say i'm not looking forward to it.

seems i rest just enough to power me through the next engagement.

i sat on the floor just out of the roundpen today, my back toward the big screaming baby, bandit, who has yet to fully trust me. but we made great strides today, i think. my being utterly vulnerable, back to him, wiped out, he was able to sniff and explore at his will.

i could not resist him, i had no will to resist.

he would step away (from what i could hear) and then return to explore my scent. that is perhaps the longest he's willingly stayed with me of his own accord.

i couldn't wander away if i tried. and i decided to let happen what would happen. to abandon myself to the moment and sit in the clover, pulling small handfulls and passing them over my shoulder to bandits eager lips.

then i went and found bucky.

at first, i walked out to his paddock and he was gone.

i walked back to his stable, and he was gone again.

my heart sank and i set out to find him on that damn farm. i've lost too much and not saying goodbye is the hardest part.

so i walked out to the far paddock where he used to be though i could see he was not there, and in turning to look back at his new paddock, over my right shoulder, i could see his bright golden face lit up and watching me walk by from inside a stall in the new field.

i had not paid attention to that particular stall before, i didn't realize he was free to go in and out of there. but it makes sense if you've got a horse or two whose owner doesn't ever come to turn them out in a place where they can stay out. no muss, no fuss. or so, that is what i believe the motivation to be. but i don't know. i could be entirely wrong.

they could have put him there so i could see him easily (;) and not have to walk the farm searching for him. but i doubt that, too.

whatever the reason, i thought i'd lost him today and my heart nearly plummeted out of my chest.

when i saw him, it beat again. and all i could do was keep from crying. i simply have no tears. none left, not a one.

that he smiles when i'm there, blows my mind. this wonderful creature who smiles again and again, not just once, but many times during my visit, blows me away. and i do what i can to see him without incurring the wrath of the owner.

but i am ready for the next phase of my life to begin.

after a hearty rest, that is.