it was eerily quiet when i got home today, the family away at a holiday party at a friend's house. i'm grateful i have work to get out of those obligations. much as i enjoy the food (that's about all i enjoy there, meaningless chit chat never did much for my soul and personally, i can live without it).
it was weird being in this relatively non-religious place today. people kept wishing me happy holiday, and i just let it go. there is no bahhumbug equivalent to the easter bunny. take your eggs and shove it was the best i could come up with, alternately substituting cojones for eggs. but that just made my co-worker laugh.
it was a busy, busy day today and i'm always amazed at how many last minute shoppers there are. perhaps it's just jealousy, on valentine's the people scouring the grocery store (of all places) for some something to give their sweetie. i knew it was poo-pooing on others good intentions so i refrained, chose to censor myself (which i try not to do), but the same goes for every holiday.
chirstmas eve, this dude was lingering in front of frozen food like it was a life or death decision, i was the last cashier, the other associates are bailing out like rats on a sinking ship, and i'm saying,
come on man, i just want to go home.
i didn't care about the holiday (my family decided it was a most unchristmas like holiday), i just wanted to go home.
all the holidays have passed as more of a nuisance than any kind of meaningful event. i just kept leaning forward and trying to move on, trudge through each day.
today did not have that feel to it at all, though it was tough for me in many respects, it was a strong desire to live and be present that held me today.
one lady came in and ordered an iced chai.
i gave them up for lent,she said.
this is my second of the day.
i gave up sugar last year,i said,
and religion this year.
and laughed. she didn't find that funny, more of a tragic humor i've got going, but it made me smile.
i don't know what to do with religion anymore. i told my prof last semester, i don't want to cram just anything into that gaping wound, so i sit in my void wondering what is right there. a potted plant, you know the fate of that, cut flowers, i never buy them for myself, though i should. maybe just emptiness. that's what i'm most comfortable with. nothing there. just emptiness.
and so it is.
watched an edward norton movie, the illusionist, which was fabulous and took a decadent nap. now it's 11ish, and i'm up hoping to get a jump on tomorrow's 52 pages. i've read some decent poems in this recent anthology, and i'm hoping the next five books i read are as enjoyable as these first two have been.
how to get it to congeal into a critical essay? i have no idea.
but try i must. it is the weight upon me this semester and i feel the pressure mounting, but pressure isn't a bad thing necessarily. it helps with the creative process, i believe. without it, i doubt anything would be accomplished (at least in my life)
and my co-worker says,
you have ocd
and i say,
no i don't.i just like shit clean. he doesn't understand that to do a job right one must not possess a disorder of some sort. one must only possess pride in your work or a decent work ethic. perhaps i have both in sufficient quantities. but whether i'm working for free or pay, i work the same hard detailed way. there is no difference to me. the labor of my hands is the only tangible offering i've got, why do a job i can't stand behind? may as well just stay in bed if that is what i'm going to do.
how i wanted to drive up to see bucky today.
i guess you could say the same about my poetry, i just have a way i'm going, a place i'm heading. it's a vision in my mind, the weak wet wings of a newly emerged butterfly, but the sun will harden them and flight will follow. just the necessary hardening process going on.
an another poet i love says,
you're a stubborn cus.
which makes me smile. i don't mean to be. i just am.
makes me remember the words of a badger who called me a porcupine. i've searched everywhere for a porcupine, and finally saw one the other day, asleep in a tree. it was a freezing forty degree day, with a brutal windchill factor, and the little fat guy was just zonked out (we were at a local county zoo) and there he was, quills blowing in the breeze. he looked pettable. i would have liked to pet him, and it made me wonder, how does one get close to a porcupine? or a badger for that matter?
the tamarins were amazing. i'm not much for primates but these little guys had shit going on upstairs, i'll tell you. and the most intricate faces. sometimes the larger primates seem dull and uninteresting. but these quick moving, tiny squealing little quadrupeds (who were male, they had tiny little twig and berries), were fascinating.
a joy to watch.
it's the little things that get me through the day.
last time we were at that park, a light misty rain started to fall and i told my friend,
we better get out of here before i get an afro.
and she said,
i'd like to see the afro.
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