especially since i don't have to force myself to write weekly anymore, i think i'll be silent for a bit, for so long, that was all i wrote. there has been little else come out of me than processing this past year.
i don't have the language to capture joy, but i've known this for a great while. i'm reading a book that says joy and fear can feel the same. i'm trying to learn to distinguish them.
i neglected to mention in my wonderful day yesterday, i almost got my car towed. i just wanted a bagel, there's this to die for bagel place right by my house, lousy parking situation, and i am just going to run in and run out. no worries, right?
well, i am driving my giant dodge, and didn't want to block the doors of the person parked askew in the space next to the last space. so i pull in, decide it's too tight, and pull out. parking in a lot two businesses over.
i'm followed in by this hispanic dude speaking broken english saying something about a truck and sweeping his arm. i'm not sure what he's saying and i don't really care, all i want out of life at that moment is an onion bagel with veggie cream cheese (and i can't really think about anything else at that moment), but he insists. getting right in my face.
i turn to him,
my truck?
and he's pointing. so i finally go see.
the tow truck is all ready backed up to my truck and has his ramp down.
i am begging him to let me go because i saw signs all over the place in the previous lot, but not there, which is why i parked there.
and he lets me go.
it was a miracle. the dude lets me drive away.
it would have been a colossal waste of time, not to mention money, but this guy lets me go. and i was so grateful (but i stopped for a lesser bagel at a drive through in another town).
so if i lament my not getting breaks, i will gladly take the one major break in lieu of the many little breaks. anyday. i think anyone would.
i had to figure out why my brain misfired with the days i have off, and it turns out, i crossed the wrong day off my calendar, i have next (and hopefully all the following) tuesday off. my girl keeps telling me, your memory is getting bad, but i know it's not. i knew there had to be some explanation. and there was.
the kids did really good, i have a drill i go through with them every time i close. when i ran in (literally), unshowered from the barn (gross, i know), they had already begun the work of closing. they did me proud. i was so pleased to see how much they've grown. (this from a group of kids who would literally stand around and talk the whole time they worked), i told the boss tonight how impressed i was with them because i've worked with some adults (older folks) who do nothing. hear me, no thing. nada. zip. zilch.
for these kids to do anything, was impressive. no one told them to do it. yet they pitched in because they new what needed to be done. and i was so proud of them. so proud.
(the older folks are another story entirely). there's something about not wanting to be told anything, a resistance to information, new information, corrected information that hinders these folks.
my girl's riding instructor summed it up when she told me about bucky's owner,
he'll always be a beginner,she said,
because he can't admit he doesn't know anything.
profound. i really like her.
i asked her about natural horsemanship. she said it was a fad. she spends so much time educating us both, my girl and me, that i'm so grateful. i think most people will share their knowledge if you spend time with them. i'm genuinely grateful for the opportunity to learn from someone i respect. to see her with her horses is something wonderful. truly. it's a good match.
but now, i'm in the midst of a long dark corridor of my own and it's time to embrace it. i have a packet deadline apr. 21, i now have seven books and 1776 pages to read between now and then, that's 52 pages per day kids. i better get on it. at least this long dark won't be void of words.
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