to go or not to go

i pretty much decided late last night not to go tonight. because i would be going to impress my prof, and that is no reason to do a thing. i don't want to go because i want to go, i want to go to schmooze. so i won't go.

simple as that.

my life used to be so easy. if i had a sink full of dishes, i didn't go anywhere until they were done. that is simply not the case anymore. my priorities are upside down and turned around. i can barely justify what i'm doing beyond, it is what i need to do now.

so the great quandary for me last night was not so much about fear, (though i tend to not like to go anywhere until i'm going or there), it was trying to figure out why i felt a need to do that. what purpose does it serve?

the only one i could come up with was impressing my prof, which is no reason at all. i went to some major poet readings last semester, but the impetus was personal, had nothing to do with my prof.

i'm forcing myself back to the gym, i've only worked out four times this month, with the sick people at my house i couldn't get there. so i'm trying to make up for lost time and waistline.

when i return to the gym after a hiatus, i not only have to make up for regained poundage but lost stamina. so quickly it seems to drain away.

i've recently read about a "spiritual bypass" something people use religion and meditation for, checking out when disconcerting emotion presents itself. i have been guilty of this. but only in this absence of religion and religious activity could i have ever known it. i would like religion to not be my drug of choice. i'd simply like to stay checked in to my life, for the good, the bad, and the indifferent.

not really sure how that is accomplished though.

yesterday was a tough, mind in the gutter day, and i just had to get through it. i sometimes lack the strength to pull myself out. yesterday i could only dive into my bed and sleep. i did miss my vegetative day tuesday, so they inverted themselves it seems and my brain seems to be functional again.

but i must away, miles to go before i rest, miles to go before i rest.