but i enjoy work. it feels do-able for me. i am tempted to spend more energies there, i do spend more energies there because it is tangible and demands my time, than i do on my poetry.
a poet came in when i first changed jobs and said,
ask for a day off. come back to the roundtable.
which i had sadly neglected the whole latter part of the year at my lifesucking job.
and so now, i have determined to set them as my priority and request the time to be there in the flesh with these poets i adore. month after month. i am back with them in body.
the other dilemma is, i was supposed to be part of the big release read for the journal i got in, but i was just too tired. i couldn't make the drive though i traded days with a co-worker to be free. i slept instead.
some hesitancy there on my part, too, i must admit. my chapbook was just in hand and i wasn't sure it was ready to be out in public. i have no delusions of that now. it is the best i've got at the moment.
so i see the matriarch and her counterpart at the workshop and i'm asked to be a part of a reading that's coming up in april, for a journal i'll be in next year.
i'm not sure if i can make it. what are my priorities?
if it is just to network, i have no time for that. never did.
if it is to go where spirit leads, then, i must make time. i must determine which venues are the ones i need to invest in.
driving an hour to read one poem used to be doable. but now, it just seems silly. i don't have the time for that.
though i must say, when i took the mic on saturday, it felt like home. that ginsberg and so many other greats have taken that same podium, is invigorating.
the photographer there shoots my picture whenever i show up, and saturday was no different. he had me take the podium while he clicked away. i don't know why he likes my look so much. but frame after frame of my face, and he's explaining this image that he sees when he sees me, but i really don't get it. i understand his concept, but have trouble beleiving anyone can make art out of my mugshot. that's all i'm saying.
for being relatively unknown, it's an honor and i keep telling him, you make me feel so good. thank you.
i met the security guard at the college parking garage, miguel, by name. and we talked and walked around to see if i could get to the stairwell to head up to the fifth floor. but no, it was locked. i came out that way, but i couldn't go back in.
are you okay walking alone?he asked.
yes. thank you.
a very kind soul. true native new yorker, i think he said he'd grown up in the bronx. he liked my driving skills, as i navigated a rather tight space on the way out (i need the exercise once, not twice, i told him after i moved my car to the first level).
the universe is smiling, and i'm smiling back.
i have this co-worker who talks to me about freedom.
freedom is a state of mind,i say.
in some respects, yes.he says.
true.and i think of all i am not able to do in this current bondage. but all i will be able to do soon.
change your mind and you'll change your life, i hope that's how it works.
peace.
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