draw her in

i'm struggling with some parenting issues and my instinct is to drive the child away, but my heart says,

no. that's not right.

sometimes, i get such a clear glimpse of the moment in my past, when i as a child committed grievous sins, and how my parents failed to parent me (or did the best they could), though my sister and i largely raised each other (or she, me as the case may be).

not wanting to follow this path, i have watched as she navigates the parenting road with dignity and grace. always keeping her brood close by and leading by heart.

i call out to her when i struggle with dilemmas, in a way i would have normally gone to my grams. i'd never consider asking my mom or dad for parenting advice, as i've just made clear. that is not the way i want to go.

though i get it, they did the best they could. or, perhaps, they did as they were able.

my battle then is do enlarge my abilities as a parent. and i find wratcheting the child into my jam packed schedule, in ways beyond mere shuttle service and necessary co-existing, require deliberate actions on my part to ask for what may appear unreasonable at work, three back to back days where i can be away from work, at the very least, two (because i just have nothing to give without that).

and today's struggle reminds me of the urgency of these moments. work will always be there. my bachelor's will get completed one way or another, but my child will not always be in this malleable positon. she will not so willingly abide my direction, especially if it were not there when she needed it.

as i do not seek the advice of my biological parents, she would shut me out, perhaps not to that degree, but it would create a rend between us.

so what to do?

what feels most unnatural at this displeasing moment.

i will draw her in, closer. spend more time focusing on her. and not being productive in the sense of checking things off my everpresent list (that it is everpersent, should give me a clue, it will be there when i've time to deal with it).

i will go now, this is a subtle ignoring, sitting here writing while we're together. and focus on her.

it is all i know to do.