happy fiction

i have come to believe there are these little lies we tell ourselves, sometimes it is easier to believe the fictions we create in our minds than the actual truths. or truth as the case may be. so in love with who we imagine the other to be, we cannot divorce ourselves from delusion save some rending, some violent emotional earthquake that has us diving under tables and covering our heads.

don't let it rise,

i tell myself

the wash of fear and uncertainty.

but then the better part of me says,

let it rise, we can handle it.

and so i sit and watch the room fill with the fears and doubts, troubles and concerns which all hang about me, in the back of my mind, the unacknowledged possibility that shit could actually hit the fan.

and when the room is full and there is not a sliver of space for one more horror, i acknowledge them. one by one.

yes, there you are. i have known you all my life.

and then, like some spectre who only wants to be seen again. it thins and fades until gone.

so my progression of doubts and fears continues this way, until i have looked over each long seated doubt and each knee trembling fear. until i have said,

yes, you do have the ability to haunt me.

and then, pleased with themselves, they leave me, just like that.

fear provides information. i have come to understand this.

if we do not run from the fears that stalk us, they can teach us their bone chilling lessons. and we can grow stronger. fear as ally.

but when one's fear mechanism is so disconnected in early life, one knows not how to process fear appropriately, everything--everything becomes a life or death fight. (does this make sense?)

in my former inability to part myself from pain, i developed this frog in a slowly boiling kettle lifestyle. the heat kept rising and i was content to watch the bubbles form.

but no more.

what do you have to teach me,

i ask each now.

sometimes it is nothing more than simple acknowledgement they want.

other times, it is revelation of my long held misassociations.

time to surrender these,

fear says.

and i have to decide.

do i want to let them go, really?

am i wanting to truly walk in light, or just say that when it is the right thing to say?

and some moments, when the fullness of time has come, i find the strength of voice and will to say,

yes. it is time to let these go.