just one wish

i guess i'm reverting to type. to being overworked and exhausted. to being not thought highly of, as i was for a time now so far gone from memory that i hardly remember the touch of softness on my cheek.

and i need a rest, a long rest in the arms of love. but don't even know if that is possible anymore. and contemplate the alternative, trudging through my life as is wondering where it went wrong or what i can possibly change.

for so long i felt there was nothing could be done, nothing i would do. now i want an overhaul. a mulligan. another chance to change the way it is.

but even that seems beyond me.
so i settle into this rhythm of denial. of not wanting what i want most. of not loving what i love most. of not needing what i need most.

and it leaves me hollowed out, like a crusty bread you fill with soup.

only there is no soup, no hungry soul waiting to devour the goodness i contain, if indeed i contain any.

if i had one wish, i don't even know what that would be anymore.

i don't know how people go through life without self medicating. without going to great lengths to change what is and is not satisfactory.

i would spit it all out, but some part of me just wants to resign again. to sink back into whatever bog and mire i got clear of once forever ago. and just stop trying to live a dream because we must all wake up. and the harsh light of day is all i'm left with.