should i stay or should i go now

i am of mixed emotion, largely because i'm tired, wiped out, kaput. but also because there are two companies vying for my husband's interest and it perplexes me. i hate to, hate to hear about potential moves too long before i have to start dashing crap into boxes. it grinds me down.

i have no strength to fight off the dread now, and even the allure of a gorgeous kiwi landscape is doing little to soothe me. mostly i can only think, i will not see my sister for a very long time. and that troubles me. deeply.

i have very few, precious few people who i really need in my life. she is one.

up and leaving again, taking some ungodly flight knowing she cannot follow with her small clan just about does me in. we've lived apart most of our lives now, but it has always been just a matter of getting to her. i guess it still will be that, but it looks so different to me from here.

and i was up reading info on moving there last night, sent by the prospective company. it does sound wonderful. i look forward to meeting the tribal people, but i'm not sure and this uncertainty is what is disloging my pilings.

i don't know that the beauty of the place is enough to keep me. we shall see.

and jersey is interested, and while that is not such an extreme adventure, it is one i can stomache. only 1.5 hours from where we are now, and i think i can do that.

the difference being, i am not locked down on an island, unable to return to those i may need to ground me.

though in this tehnological world we are not really locked into any one place. in a sense.

but that sense has long been lacking for me. and i need my people. to be able to get to them.

i must go rest. my early press to get the work for this packet done has left me thin as a sheet of phyllo dough. and i don't want to force or strain too hard, as i might crack apart and blow away.

paper due monday, now if only i can write it. as yet, not a single word on the six books i've completed. i decided to give myself a break and not require the seventh yet.

to bed and dreaming of a place of my own.
and peace, requested peace.