ms. sourpuss

i have not never understood why we make light of things sacred to others. that has always troubled me about the church. even within, they downtalk other denomination's traditions and i have never understood it.

it's not that i don't think there are any certainties (okay, maybe i'm on the far end of that belief, because having said it, i'm not sure what i think). but i know that certain people think they have THE answer, and those people tend to belittle rather than uplift those with the wrong answer.

troubling.

seems to me if you have the right answer and i have the wrong answer, and you sincerely believe i'm going to become a crispy critter in the hereafter, rather than isolate me with bold assertions of your faith, you'd come along side and love me.

but that mushy kind of relating has always gotten me into trouble. caring about the person rather than the destination stamped on their ticket. i don't know. it seems disingenuous to me to spout the i have the answers certainties and be so cowardly in conveying those assertions.

but i'm very tired and perhaps judging too harshly.

i just find that other religious traditions have always put my "faith" to shame with their simple humble service and gentle ways (sometimes, they are not so gentle, i know this too). but i guess the differences between us seem to me minor and rather than estrange you, i'd like to befriend you and see what you've got goin' on.

even if i don't agree.

you don't have to be wishy-washy to hear others out. i wish i could convey that. though i've flopped around like a beached fish of late, it's a deliberate refusal to embrace that which i may have no true understanding of.

hear this, in contemplating my current estrangement from my former faith. i thought about how i come and go in natural relating to others. how then can something like this be any different? is there not always an ebb and flow in any aspect of life?

is it not natural?

i find that it is and i do not fear it. i embrace it, the disconnect i now feel. the nonsectarianism of my state. it is simply what it is.

anyone who has lost what i have, who has grieved as i have, who has had the shit year i have would be here now. i'm grateful for this place.

but i'm also not willing to listen to the diminishing of one faith over another, or one person over another.

i have to remind myself we all have times when we slip up, even i do.

at work the other night, a new co-worker said to me,

see that girl.

and i looked.

she's a slut,

he said.

why did you say that?

i asked,

i didn't need to know that.

he said,

there was nothing else to say.

i said,

there is plenty to say. tell me something that matters to you. saying things like that about others only diminishes you in my eyes.

and so it goes. i know i'm hard to be around. so damn stubborn, so damn altruistic, so damn flawed.

but i want my hypocrisies to be pointed out just like i will show you yours.

never fear to reveal my blindspots (just don't do it anonymously).

and trust, i will receive the wound, if it be true. even if not at first, ultimately. and be grateful.

peace. out.