finally!

the dissertation done, i feel like i have some time now for things that are beginning to press on me. namely, the stacks of books piled around my bed to be read before my residency. from one literary race to another, it seems.

i've fallen into a very comfortable place with my store. the ballbuster is really a pussycat, and i think it's going to be okay. i believe it is going to be okay.

now to the other pressing issues at hand.

still trying to decide what i want. these are huge questions, perhaps i contemplate them too much. but i don't entirely leave my life to chance, to whim, to fancy. i do try to pick a course. whether or not i stay the course is not the point. the point is that there is some direction, some point in space and time i hope to arrive at someday.

do i ever arrive? yes and no.

it is never, without fail, never how i envisioned it. it is, without fail, immeasurably better. i try to dream modestly, (that is an outright lie), i try to believe my own legend. i had forgotten that word. i try to believe my legend. to make it happen for me. but i'm essentially at the whim of mercy. timing being what it is, i trust it will all work out. and it usually does.

a lady came into the store yesterday,

y'all are going to get sick in this air conditioning.

not me,

i said.

.

what's your secret.

i don't get sick.

don't say that,

she replied.

.

i say it all the time. i just believe i won't get sick, and i don't.

i've never been one for the unparalleled powers of the mind, but i do dabble in the cognitive arts. i fashion my own vessel and sail out, i confess. where it takes me is another point entirely.

right now, i'm just enjoying everything.

i'm in the having fun phase of my life,

i told him.

.

you look good. look like you're having fun.

he proceeded to ask me about my girl, and i confessed the truth. that is what we poets are the best at extracting from others.

i'm sorry you have to go through that.

he said.

and for a moment, it didn't hurt so bad. it didn't feel quite so awful to be grappling with the things on my plate. for a moment, i felt not alone.

it was a nice feeling.

so i weigh the pros and cons of each adventure i'm invited to take. wonder if i can choose the right partner to dance with, ever. and am left doubting my ability in that area, trusting that he will present himself at the right moment. when the tango begins, i hope. you can belly dance alone, but you can't tango alone.

and these musings are ripping me open in ways i had not foreseen. too near truth, i'd say. get close and the waters flow. the waters flow.