.l.o.s.e.r.

i got my butt kicked today. and then joined in beating myself up. not that i wanted to, it just happens. i really do fight the darkness, but it sucks me in. belly dance was helpful, i got to shut out all those voices screaming in my head and just watch my hand and fingers cascade through the air.

this is all that exists, i made myself focus. to be in the moment.

just as i made myself rush home to write. writing always helps. it is why i can't go more than six months without a poetry intensive. it is why i go there so loaded.

and i'm afraid, that's the bottom line.

maybe i've done it all wrong. maybe i've found a loophole in his life and exploited it. it has to stop. you have to be alone and feel it. to own it. to have no one.

sometimes i realize there is no one for me. on my side, and it chills me, perhaps more than the voices that would assuage me with doubt. because ultimately, my friends loving me is what helps me through. without them, i don't know.

so i run down the list, and after each name, a no. no. no. no.

no one.

feel it. own it.

and my child can't swim tonight, so i will have to put on a brave face for whatever we do, and i'll be all distracted in my own world, in my head. locked up, and won't engage. i'll be distant.

the one person i need to be present to and for, i am struggling with even showing up again. why does that happen.

i would like to start drinking now and not wake up until i have to get ready for work, but i can't do that either.

so, alternately, i will come home after work tomorrow, put on something fine, and go to my poetry reading. stand up at the mic and read like it is the last poem i'm ever going to read.

then i will navigate the darkness home and try to remind myself, there is no one there. i am alone.

i'm so tired of needing others. so tired.

i wonder if this new guy i'm working with is going to whip out his penis every time we work together or if he'll ever just let me do my thing. i stood up to him today, but it was taxing. i was stressed.

and we were slammed. i'm tired but there is no rest.

i don't really understand the things going on. but i don't have to. i just have to show up and do my best. that's all i can do.

i have to remember there is no one on my side. no one.