what affects you, affects me

i got some terrible news. it doesn't pertain to me directly, yet it does. i'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. trying to decide what role i have to play in mitigating the negative consequences of it. if any. i don't know what to do. i keep telling my friends,

i am trying not to kick into saviour mode

.
and they reply,

you can't.

unequivocally.

i hear them, i do. it doesn't stop me from wanting to help. but this issue is larger than me.

and my ex standing before me said,

are you shrinking?

no. just not wearing platforms.

it's been a while since we've had cordial conversation, but it's returning. and i'm trying to keep from being the saviour of the world.

i am trying.

and all i want is to be held. but that won't happen.
so i bide my time, and sitting around the table with the belly dancers last night am asked,

do you have a lover?

i laughed, and said,

a reluctant one, yes. but i'm in the market if you know of anyone.

i must, must, must move forward.

and she traced the hawk tattoo on my back, the feel of her fingers surprised me. i looked at the goddess on the nape of her neck and told her the story of my goddess fetish.

i had lost it. i bought it before i got married, and i used to keep it on the piano beside me while i played. then, when we moved to new york, i lost her.

they were eating and i kept telling the story.

i only found her when i left my husband.

oohh.

they said in chorus.
.

congratulations,

she said to us. for we had just revealed how recently we each left our respective spouses.

thank you.

we replied. and smiled. hoping to meet again.

and the matriarch of the group says,

we need to get together as women and rent a house. everyone just move here, and we'll live together.

sounds great to me.

i said.

i've lived communally before. it was a good fit for me. provided i've got my own space to be apart.

that's how this economy is going,

she replied.

and i drove away encouraged, feeling content. but still wanting to be held.