brave

there are times when i am utterly spineless. times when i tremble at being alive. this is one of those times.

i'm reading fenelon who says,

live in the present moment with God.

and i do try. i try to inhabit the now, aware of all the peculiarities and uncertainties, joys and pains, angers and frustrations. all of it. i try to attend to.

this moment is full of bittersweetness for my sister leaves today. she cannot stay with me forever, she has a family who needs her and they graciously let me have her near for four days. four glorious days of peace and comfort. yes, i shall miss her.

the thing about it is, i don't think she knows how magnificent a creature she is. she tells me all the time of her flaws and woes, her longings and her hopes. she cannot see her immense beauty.

i understand this. i've told you before, that i could not see my own worth, but slowly, ever so slowly that is beginning to change. i have only begun to believe it as i have willingly accepted the gracious love of others.

it is very difficult, letting others love me. i thought i knew how before, but when my husband goes left and i go right in terms of love, i know i am still very far from the ideal. from even the basic understanding of receiving love.

when my sister is around i laugh a lot. we have this shared pool of memory and often remind each other of where we've been. it has changed some since we've married, but largely, our collective recollection remains.

to be known, to have someone understand your wiring entirely and not hate you for it but love you is something i do not comprehend. it seems like just when i get that feeling that i am known we move. i move. unknownness shrouds me again.

so i keep the lines open with those who know me and whom i know. and i say to them often,

i know you.

and they say to me often,

i know you.

but with my sister it goes unsaid, because we know we know. we know we share many origins. we often discuss how differently we handle many things. i being second, she first.

she is a painter, a singer, an amazing mom. she is a beautiful woman of worth and i wish you could know her as i do. for she is priceless to me and i will miss her more than you can imagine or i can even understand when she leaves me today. but i will walk the streets of this town with the memory of her beside me and be just a little bit more brave. because she was here with me. and i needed her very much. love her well. as i do.