fatal kisses

i have always wanted to be loved. i have always wanted to be convinced of my great worth. my value. the weight of the gold by which i'm wrought, or bought, or ransomed (is probably a better word).

i have looked often to men and every time, without fail, they have let me down. it is the one thing i can count on. this holy week, as i read again and again, of His silence before the shearers, His great service to His betrayer, i am humbled into silence of my own.

it has always struck me as odd that the Lord would wash judas' feet, then give him communion, ultimately blessing him beyond words and meaning, then release him to do what he must.

will i be the woman with precious nard or judas? do i have a choice or have i unwittingly made the choice all ready? is the silver jingling in my pocket now, or have i poured it all out on His feet?

my hair has passed my lower back and i feel the weight of it upon my shoulders, the curling tendrils would make an excellent towel. if i could abandon myself. i wonder how one knows if their service is sweet perfume or fatal kisses. how does one know any of these answers in this life when the goats think themselves sheep and the sheep goats?

i do not know, i do not know. we do the best we can i guess. we hope and pray. we forgive. we try to be true to men of flesh and blood, though they wound us. though we love them and they say they love us back, we try to believe them.

a poem i just wrote may say it better than this lumbering prose:


not so


will i betray you
with a kiss

will i misuse your
trust

will i despise your
mercy

will i betray you
with a kiss

will i cast your
courage down

will i slake your
thirst with vinegar

will i betray you
with a kiss

will i condemn you
in silence

will my hand lead you
to slaughter

will i betray you
with a kiss

...

i am very sad today thinking about betrayals couched in kisses. friends thought friends who turned out to be enemies. how many times have i been thus, how many times have i been thus? too many to count, it seems. for i cannot look in a betrayer's eyes and see anyone but myself.