fearful yet overjoyed

yesterday i wore all black to church. i felt a bit uncomfortable as the pastel hues and bonnets were everywhere present. but i felt me again. i felt like it was the right thing for me to do. and so i did.

i walked into the chapel we had stripped on maundy thursday service, and it was dark. i sat there and wept. mary did not know anything about the resurrection. she did not know it was a day of rejoicing, all she knew was her love lay dead and buried. her offering of ointments and herbs were all worship to her. she did not know what the day held.

the days seem to blur together a bit here. i live so much in the moment, it seems, i forget about tomorrow and the significance of it. easter came and went, me focused on Christ, and i can't say that has ever happened before.

we were exiting the chapel and one priest asked my girl about chocolate and bunnies, i put finger to lips and said,

shhh.

easter is not about chocolate and bunnies. i'd like to get away from that expression of the holiday. but it seems unlikely while my child is yet a child. and i do not begrudge her the comforts of the season. i do not begrudge her any comforts at this point in our journey.

she has begun saying,

i could live here forever.

which is nice to hear, since we swept her away from everything familiar. the only home she has ever known, and all her little friends.

i told her,

i could live here forever, too. but we'll have to see what happens to your daddy in winter.

he does not like the cold.

as we were out and about yesterday, my black garb was little on my mind, and then i saw tasseled jews in black. their long curls descending from their yarmulkes (my dear rabbi sends me the correct spelling of that word). they dress in black as well.

there is a large jewish community out here. i've much to learn.

my mourning and trepidation somehow stayed with me this morning and i read the line from my prayers that said

mary, when she left the tomb was fearful yet overjoyed.

yes. that is how it is for me. i am trembling yet trusting, too.