willies

i keep getting the willies. i hadn't realized how easy it is for one to settle in to a new place and bar doors and windows to keep the unknown out.

we have the nicest new neighbor downstairs and i keep thinking we're making him mad. he's not. he's nice. i've just got me a case of the willies.

i don't like feeling jittery. i don't like not knowing where the heck i am. sure when i'm in the comfort of texas (or wherever i know the terrain), i can say,

moving is an adventure.

but this side of moving, i find it daunting at times. i don't want to be afraid. i want to be done with being afraid. but the only way that can happen is if i abandon myself to the will of God. if i, once again, in this unfamiliar land, say,

God, hide me in the palm of Your hand and do not let me go.

He isn't usually the one who lets go, i typically jump in fear. but i'm not going to fear. when i feel that thing rise up inside of me, i am going to say,

yes i am afraid, but i trust God.

my sister arrives tomorrow in the middle of the night. i've never been to that particular airport and i'm praying i'll find my way, then home again. i know i will, it is just one of those things that must be done and sometimes is better done in day light. but that is not an option. i was feeling brave when i said,

sure, take a red eye.

but now i tremble.

so i'll rest and trust and abandon myself to the will of God today. this minute. it is all i know how to do. it is how i get from one moment of uncertainty to the next, hopefully, certain moment.

keeping my eyes fixed, that is the biggest battle i fight right now. i've not left the house all week and that is not a good way to start, but i trust God is in it. even when i don't understand. i trust God is in the very center of the mystery and abandon myself again to His will.