enamoured of strangers

i have long thought jealousy a sickness. it is not often i have much of anything to be jealous about. i just don't go there. but i went there yesterday. set off on my own little jealous rage and found myself mystified by it. though today i think i understand a bit more about what was happening.

i wandered through our little village with God, praying about my raging disease. uncertain of what in the world i have to be jealous about, yet feeling it pulse through my veins and despising it. a more lucid jealous fit i've never had.

it occurred to me, the way i write everything is experientially. this does not excuse my bad behaviour. this does not make allowance for foolishness. this is mere fact. that i do not understand a thing until i have wrestled it to the ground and stared in its eyes. that is how i'm wired.

i've a great many people who love me. i've a great many people whom i love. i've no claim on any of these people. they've no claim on me. but sometimes, yes, sometimes, i find myself wanting someone to be mine. yet as i am not theirs, they cannot be mine. it is simple childishness here i'm dealing with. but it is fierce.

i have realized i can pin a great many of my sins on the Lord's will. i can make a moral tale of just about anything, thereby redeeming it. i make no such excuse for my sickness of jealousy. it was wrong. utterly wrong. and would that i could undo it. unlive it. unfeel it. but i cannot. no more than i can catch wind in a bag for later use, i cannot undo what i have done only learn from it.

the thing that surprised me was learning about the perfect jealousy of the Lord.

You are Mine.

He says. and it is true. every word. i am His.

i have not been playing the part of His lately though. i have been playing the part of a woman enamored of a great many other things. fenelon says,

God does not want a bride enamoured of a stranger.

and i blush with guilt and understand completely.

you see, i want men, tangible flesh and bones men to hang my hopes upon. i want to hear my name fall from their lips. feel them embrace me and hold me close. i want to be loved tangibly. sometimes more than i want to be loved by the Divine.

this confession breaks my heart because it is utterly true. i have been enamoured of strangers. i have wanted things other than the Beloved. and He got jealous.

He will collapse any bridge, dash any vessel, remove any obstacle that keeps His bride from knowing Him. from longing for Him alone. it is in utter perfection He strikes at the very heart of what i love most. and i must watch it die. i must let it die and walk away.

yet my backward glances and lingering over tombs troubles me still. my hopes have died. but my Love lives. He has striken the dearest parts of my heart to eradicate what would defile our betrothal. He was simply jealous for me.

i understand this now.