head games

remember that foreigner song? from the 80s probably. if i turned on the radio right now i'd probably hear it. i am reminded of it in my prayers today, and often feel like God is doing to me what He did to philip:

When Jesus raised his eyes and saw that a large crowd was coming to him, he said to Philip, "Where can we buy enough food for them to eat?"
He said this to test him, because he himself knew what he was going to do.

sometimes i want to just look up and ask,

are You messing with me?

i hate to be toyed with. i would rather get the straight line and be done with it. at least that way i can do something. but when someone who knows the plan asks to figure out if i know the plan, it bothers me. just tell me you know the plan and i'll go with it. don't frustrate me.

i've never liked exposing my ignorance. something i'm overcoming largely in my writing. i'm very ignorant at times on the page. perhaps not so much ignorant as willing to admit i don't know the entire plan. i have glimpses, you see, of how it will work out. shimmers and shades of fulfillment. but i certainly don't know how thousands will be fed with two tiny loaves and five itty fishies.

i stand, with philip, utterly perplexed. you notice philip didn't answer [note: of course, i cut off philip's answer and didn't realize it: Philip answered him, "Two hundred days' wages 5 worth of food would not be enough for each of them to have a little (bit)." would have been better if he hadn't answered]. sometimes when i am utterly mystified it is best to just keep my mouth shut. lest i sow disbelief. one of the apostles answered one of Jesus' maddeningly hard questions once with,

Lord, you know. (or Thou, knowest. gotta love kjv)

and that sounds like a good answer to me. i'm being told by my dear ones to pray specific prayers so i know when and if God answers. give Him parameters. but i say,

if i give Him wrong parameters, if i ask specifically amiss, what is the point of that?

rather, i pray,

as You know and as You will, so be it.

He knows what He's going to do anyway. why get all invested in the outcome (especially if i've got the wrong picture of the outcome). rather, i just leave it all at the feet of God. problem. solution. everything.

help God. help.

these are my profound prayers.

i've taken to mimicing a part of the liturgy we pray weekly,

Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.

again, profound. but i've come to a place where i know He has to have a clue what is going to happen. what the result of all this madness will be. and i trust Him to be gracious. He has been so gracious to me my whole life over. why would He change now? now that i am consious of what i pray and specifically ask for what i need, how is that going to garner any more favor than i all ready possess? it cannot. it will not. i am but a child, coming to the Father saying,

papa, i'm hungry.

He already knows what He will do. and i trust Him to do it.