your mind is all over the place. i can see it in your writing.
my daughter did not want to sleep in her room, and i did not want deal with the mess in there, until yesterday. a full two weeks into our stay.
only by extracting every last item from her room, did i come to find what i found. someone had tossed their toast in her closet. oh joy. who would do this and why?
i've struggled with besetting fear since i got here. i did not understand it. suicidal thoughts hounded me. but finding this little bit of evil intent, prayerfully cleaning it up and hauling it away has given me peace again.
i kept wondering, is it necessarily evil intent?
how could it not be? you don't accidentally lose your lunch in a closet and not clean it up. i did not walk the house when we moved in, in terms of checking closets and such. i packed in such a way my girl could unpack herself. she didn't even notice it.
i did, as soon as i had cleared everything out. and now the house is clean.
it makes a world of difference. her demeanor has changed. she wants to be in and sleep in her room, finally. i know the besetting fears i have grappled with have departed.
sure i've still got issues, but who doesn't?
i am not the kind of person who sees a demon behind every bush or a design of the enemy in every foul thing. because God is a big God. He can use even the evil schemes and plans to further His purposes. what was meant for evil, He can use for good. i believe it. every word.
this transition has been the time to get me. the enemy knew it. i've been phished (what fun that is, you should try it some time, or better yet, don't). i've been bullied by all manner of past failures. but slowly i am beginning to realize, these are only the distractions. only the outworkings of someone trying to keep me from living in the promised land. i could run. i could hide. my friends want me to go back to texas for a visit, but i can't. it feels too much like retreat for me. i have to move forward. i have to will myself forward even though i tremble. even though it be a challenge just to get through the day here, here is where i am to be. i will not abandon this place for i truly believe in a God who redeems every foul thing that crosses our path. every foolish mistake we make, every dumb irredeemable thing i've said and done. He will work it all out for the good. He's such a cool God.
i just have to remember not to take credit for it. i realized this yesterday after dialoguing with someone i hope one day to be a friend. i said something that was very self-assured. very much, i can help you. when i can't. i am just as clueless as the next guy. but i know who can help. and it is He who deserves the credit. remember, it is very easy to take the credit, and He'll let you have it. but there is so much more. such greater blessing and gifting if you'll let the credit go.
i have a poem stirring in me, but i don't know that i can grasp it yet and it is sure to be one of those uh-oh poems that may be i better not write. but i will.
can God use
famine
holocaust
war
can God use
abuse
murder
sin
can God use
death to secure
eternal life
can God use
evil intent
for good?
yes,
i believe
He can.
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