yet i live

there are times when life is too heavy a burden for me to bear. when i wish to be away from it all. such was the case this week. i had thoughts that oppressed me and i could find no release from them.

then i took communion and lay in my husband's arms and wept. he held me and let me pour out my heart. my fears, my failures.

the dark thoughts that plagued me earlier in the day, the wishing my life away as it were, ceased.

the next morning i found myself still unsteady. i breathed deep and picked up a familiar refrain,

it's going to be all right.

i walked to the post office, though i did not want to go. and just getting out of doors got me out of my head.

we stopped at a playground and stayed there for hours. i met a sweet girl who seemed tossed by life. strangely enough, i felt centered. i sat there feeling strong again.

when she left, i realized i hadn't slipped out of my shoes much lately, so i did. it had rained the night before, so the grass was chilly and moist. i walked in circles as i read chapter after chapter of a book about healing your soul.

yes it has some whacked out stuff in it, but it is largely sound.

my prayers this morning had this precious refrain

I shall not die, but live

and so i shall. i rose this morning and thanked God for another chance. another day to experience creation. another moment of time to love and be loved. even imperfectly, loving is better than sealing off the heart. even when it is utterly painful to love, it is still better than not loving.

i don't know anything anymore. even the subtle comforts i once held dear have been stripped away. my friends are far and some silent. but my heart holds them all and i intend to brave the day and move forward.

spring has sprung, just in time. i could use a season of love. blossoms again filling the air. everything twitterpainted.

yes, even in uncertainty, i live.