subduing giants

i forgot when the israelites made it into the promised land, they had to take possession of it. duh, i just thought someone would hand me the keys and say,

welcome.

what a fool, what a fool i am.

so i'm at the library, nearly a mile from my home. we walked here. not a big deal if you have all the required paperwork to actually get a library card, big deal if you have to walk home and retrieve said paperwork to actually get that library card.

there are books on the shelves here i have not read, praise God. and many i want to read in the system. my mouth started watering when i searched merton and pulled up 64 titles, many of which i'd never even heard of. nouwen only 19 hits, but again, many unread.

the promised land is a good thing.

i just find myself so utterly frustrated by the little technicalities. no my name is not on the cable bill because (a) my husband get irked when everything is in my name (b) i try not to irk my husband unnecessarily. but then issues like this arise, and i'm stuck because they won't give me a library card.

somebody write me a letter! if you have my mailing address. although, i should be getting bills in the near future, the library card issue must be settled now. it really felt like one of those, damned if you are a woman moments. no, my name is not on the cable bill, i even told them they could call the church to verify i do in fact live with my husband (though my signature on the cable bill should verify that. the lady said,

i can't read your signature. and even if i could, your name is not on the bill)

my issue is, signatures are signatures. so WHAT if you can't actually read every letter of my name in my signature. who says you have to. the fact that my signature matches the cable bill and my state issued drivers license is not enough. she has to make the point that she cannot read my signature. which i found particularly vexing.

i'm trying not to make enemies here and find myself walking away in utter frustration. then, every computer i touched acts weird (until just now), why is it when i am livid things malfunction? like someone is out to get me or something.

but i didn't explode or bite anyone's heads off. like i said, i have to use this library and the last thing i need to do is be screaming at the ladies who are just doing their anal retentive best to do their anal retentive jobs. i'm a little pissed though.

so i finally sit down in front of plate glass windows and bury my head in my hands and just pray. HELP ME GOD.

then i remember the giants. too bad those damn giants reside in me. but at least they didn't act through me. they were somewhat subdued, i guess. i don't know.

it certainly doesn't feel victorious. i certainly don't feel like i'm taking possession of anything, but maybe i am. by just plugging along, maybe i am subduing something, even if only my will to ring the neck of the anal retentives in my path.