late nights

just in from work, as usual, i'm wired. doing laundry. going to watch a movie and hit the books. so much reading to be done in the next month but i've already read two books, am in a third, and will start fourth tonight. then, about ten or twelve more to go. papers to write, residency to get to. i'm looking forward to it though. i will do a poetry reading while i'm there for faculty and other students. it will be a nice intro to master's work.

i'm grateful. for everything. for the tender humiliations that keep me humble. for the love that will not come just because i demand it show it's goddamn face. for the love that is coming, wherever it is. though i often lose hope. for the ache in my back and the peace in my heart. i'm grateful for it all. it all makes me stronger, makes me better. and tomorrow it will be a beautiful day.

some mornings i lie in bed and will myself to enjoy it.

today i made it to the gym early, that always helps my perspective. i don't feel like such a slug. tomorrow and weds i'll force myself to go, because this weekend is my intensive and i have to be ready for it. i'll spend some of thursday finalizing for it. i'm going straight from work and am putting a psychic hold on my room. it's the one i've slept in for three years now, almost four. and i am not getting there before everyone else this year, i work until four. that puts me there around five. i'll shower, shampoo, and shine there. that will rejuvenate me from the long workday.

and hopefully my poems will come as they usually do. i've been backbuilding. there are some things i have to write because i have them in my heart to write. there are some words i have to fashion because they want to come. perhaps then i will not be in need of a muse any longer, perhaps then, i can open myself to a new muse. perhaps not. it is always a gamble with me.

i'm ready though, for whatever is coming. for what will come to me is mine, this i know. this i trust. if nothing else.

and i am grateful for my home, for the chief and his tribe who rally around me. i'm grateful for their presence, though mine is often imperfect, they are gracious and encouraging.

we do the best we can, and then move on.

and one thing more. we love whom we love. there is no exception to that rule. at least none that i've found. it doesn't have to make sense. it doesn't have to feel good. it doesn't have to be anything promising. it just is what it is.

i look forward to being loved as i love though. that will be nice. and i can wait for the right place and time for that to happen, because i'm sure it will. we are not meant to languish. and i think my time of languishing is nearly done. i feel change coming, and with it, new faces, new places, new loves.

all is well. all is well.