thinking of you

he came back to my store, and i had so much to say.

did i tell you?

no.

we didn't cover that topic.

but he was interested and there are some people for whom my words just gush.

i didn't even see him at first, i was distracted with the new fixtures and making the store look "perfect" whatever that means.

he stepped out of the line and waved, smiled.

oh, hi.

i stood there for a moment then realized i needed to be on bar.

i said his drinks, and had another customer muddling up things, so i had to keep several balls in the air.

i tried to nod to the customer who was before him, but it was just a hi, get the hell out of here acknowledgment, i admit it.

but then there was another customer after, we were preclosing, and shit had to get done. so the people are all orbiting around me in some strange way.

suz, i need the keys.

the one barista i don't mind calling me that was working with me and her best friend last night. it is nice to hear, i must say. she says it with such kindness, i don't mind. i really don't mind her calling me that.

so i lean back against the counter and she extracts them from my apron where the string is dangling out.

meanwhile, i'm about to blend something and he's talking to me still,

i'm getting something together for you.

he has ideas for me to webcast, which i don't know the least bit about.

so i make the phone with my hand and mouth, call me.

there are precious few people i want to call. fewer i want to talk to at length about anything, but this guy and i have shit to say.

so, we'll see. he's incredibly busy.

that's why i don't sleep.

he says.

.

i have to tell you about my writing process.

see, it's all this convoluted connection of ideas. quite stimulating, i must say. and from a dude, even more amazink.

peace out kids.

this magic moment.

i've been staring hard into the vast nothing, and i'm really getting tired of it.

sometimes things happen and it makes me lose focus on what i'm doing. that is what has occurred of late. i need to prioritize again, and i am just not doing that. the prospect of having questions finally answered, of feeling relief at the sight of someone i've waited for to walk up to my door. those things are merely distraction at the moment. time to focus.

i've noticed the old signs of late. i've seen them. but they don't strike me like they used to. i look up then away. i don't spend time anymore wishing. wishing has gotten me nowhere in the past. now i've got things to do to make ends meet, and i'm about those things, for the most part, near exclusively.

one of my customers from my previous store came by yesterday and was so encouraging, it reminded me of what can be done, what i need to do, what i'm trying to accomplish. and that where i'm going is essential for my growth.

i put everyone else's growth before mine, and that has to stop. it's time for me to lean in to my own agenda and fulfill my desiny.

i remember when i thought i had a destiny. that there was some purpose to my life. some grand scheme. i'm not sure what i believe now, except that this moment is it. and i still believe in the law of kindness. that i must, must, must treat others with respect, and accept no less in return.

had a customer who was trying to peg me as presumptuous and argumentative yesterday, but i was not. simply doing my job. on occasion, i am quite good at it. but she wanted to dance her fancy dance of words and by being a bitch get what she wanted. but i would not yield. i had no reason to. i knew what i had to do, was instructed to do and was not going to do any more.

you don't even know the story.

i do.

these were on that sale table, and you guys didn't move them.

we have no control over what is moved by customers.

anyone of you could have moved them, i walked in and saw them there.

provided we found them before you did. i am authorized to do this and no more. (at that point, it was very close to what she wanted but she was such a bitch, i wouldn't give her an inch more than i had to. honey instead of vinegar folks, remember that.)

we're a busy store, how anyone can think it's as easy as us just ambling over as soon as something gets misplaced, i don't know. peg me as the bad guy all you want, but it doesn't change anything.

i need to lean in to my dreams and fulfill them myself because no one else is going to lend a hand in my direction (though, i realize as i say that, how many helping hands i've had extended to me along the way, i'm grateful for those, but i don't expect them. i don't require them. i don't demand them. i am just grateful for them, perhaps why they continue to appear).

i don't know. for all my uncertainty, i have only this. this moment to make of it what i will.

focus

it's hard for me to not think about what i am mulling over. i'm not the same woman i was. i'm entirely different. if you came to me now, would you still be mesmerized by the sway of my hips, the sound of my voice, the way i trust you. i warn you, i'm not the same woman that i was.

neither, i imagine, are you the same man. how can you be? time does terrible things. will you let me in, or push me away. will you not even come and just move on. i don't know. i can't imagine the person you've become, you're becoming. i only know the man i knew. the one i trusted. the one who trusted me.

i do know this much though. i would open my door and let you in. let you see who i am now, experience her. she exists only because of you. i remember the shadow woman i had become. the detached soulless. i am alive now. painfully so. only, you are not here. you are not with me. and while i understand it, i do not necessarily agree. but it has never been up to what i want. so have forged my own way.

and when i thought i caught a glimpse of you, it made me smile. deep inside. but i kept moving on, kept working. let it go with only a consideration. how much we have both changed.

i am not the woman i was. you must know this.

i am only the woman i am now.

as such, i welcome you, receive you back again, it is my wish still.

too good

to be true. i knew it was. but then, i've felt your presence of late. saw someone who looked like it could be you. but he did not give himself away, the way i knew you would. he limped, after all you've been through, i could understand it if you limped.

but then, he walked out the door. and i watched him leave. we met eyes before he turned and walked away.

i just keep waiting.

what a fool am i. what a fool am i.

soaked through

so i'm racing through the circuit at the gym, which i have forced myself to get up and go, only after doing the math to see if i can continue sleeping and get to the gym when it reopens after lunch. but i can't. have to be at work at 5pm tonight. closing. haven't done that in a while on a friday, but the pussycat is on vacation, and it's fine. whatever. though it would have been nice to have had this weekend off. lots of reasons. but i trust wisdom prevails. even when i don't get it.

so i make it home, race to get my suit on, and slather myself with hawaiian tropic, only to read a few pages of harry potter (not all the books required for my residency suck, some have actually been quite fun), and it starts sprinkling again.

so i drag myself inside, all slick with lotion, and have to read here.

i should get my ass in the shower and go read someplace scenic, because when i'm home i turn on the computer and goof off. that is why i get more done elsewhere. unless it's three am, nothing else to do at three am.

i'm down to the last five or so books, one of them i read a couple semesters ago, so if i don't get to it, i won't cry. i read it back then anyway. the others seem mildly appealing. but not enough so to have jumped up for me to read already. a couple, i simply don't get. and fortunately i have some very honest friends who confess they don't get that shit either.

so i don't feel like a complete lug nut. i get poetry, sometimes the poets who play with words and don't incorporate "sense" into the equation really get to me. i hate to read something that is incoherent. i just don't have time for that. it doesn't expand my mind, or my appreciation, it just irriates me. and i'm no peach when i'm irritable. neither are you, so there.

i have begun reading some things that are probably taboo, but whatever, i must care because i'm not saying explicitly here what they are. it is one of the few things i've found an interest in. so i think it's time. time for me to delve into prohibited areas.

one question that comes to mind is, when does a belief in something, faith, if you will, cross over into religion. because that is the line i don't want to cross. i don't want any of the bullshit that goes with religion. any religion. even pagan religions. i just don't have the time or patience for another bureacratic structure imposed on me in the name of faith. not that anyone is doing that, just that i am hypersensitive to it at the moment. i should have quit the faith long ago when i first had pangs of discontent. because now, it's a real sore spot, and while i'm not antagonistic, i'm certainly intolerant. i just don't want to hear it from anyone.

i don't care what religion you're pedaling, try someone else's door.

so, time to shower, wash my hopes of a tan down the drain, though i'm darkening nicely. i need to go read then head off to work. i should probably eat. that is always something i neglect. my girl told me,

it's not good to go hungry.

.

i know, it's a habit though.

.

i'm so busy rushing out the door, that i don't take time to take care of me. that has to stop. i gave my girl a manicure and pedicure yesterday, she wanted painted designs on them. they always do that at the salon. so me, unartistic me, with the shaky hands, tells her to look away while i'm doing it. i managed a very shabby tic tac toe on her big toe, which made her laugh. and a happy face on her other big toe. but mind you, this is a twelve year old, whose big toes are not very big. it was tough. on her fingers, she wanted designs on her ring fingers as well, i managed a pink heart, which she loved, and a not so successful blonde heart, which i put a very poor arrow through to try to improve upon it. all told, the ordeal was just a labor of love, she liked it more because i did it than because it looked nice. but i brushed and braided her hair, only making her cry once. my technique sucks. a gentle mother i've never been accused of being.

but she looked cute when she left and we had a great day together. hopefully it bodes of what will come for us this summer. we need to reconnect. i miss her. she misses me.

and we parked in a spot at the mall that was vaguely familiar. i tried to place when the last time i was there in that location, entering those doors was. and then it hit me, a movie, late at night.

sweet memory. lowsy movie. but the sex was good.

peace. out.

supersonichearing

it's been a long time since i went to the hudson and was actually present. my girl and i had a good day. we fed the geese and ducks, we sat by the water. i lost myself for a while, then i hear someone saying something to my kid.

how, of all the sounds on the river at that moment i could hear that one girl's voice telling my girl something relatively innocuous, i don't know. but i did.

i turned and it was a young, pretty school teacher type, who was telling my girl to feed the ducks in another direction.

i said to my kid,

feed the ducks wherever you want.

it's a park. the lady was not there before us, and besides, it doesn't matter. no one, in all the time we've been there has ever said shit to us about where to feed the ducks.

so i let it ride. leaving my comment to my girl the way it stands, though i do turn my head, because my kid is some thirty feet away from me down the way, a hovering mother no one can ever accuse me of.

the lady kept watching my kid, who resumed feeding where she wanted at my behest.

when we were done, and i wasn't angry, i walked up to the lady and said,

do you have children?

.

she did not answer.

.

it is never a good idea to tell someone else's children anything. though i'm cool about that kind of thing, it's never a good idea.

.

she just looked at me.

.

have children and you'll understand.

.

and i walked away.

mind you, if my friends, anyone in my circle says shit to my kid, i understand it is because as a tribe they are looking out for me by looking out for her. the village mentality doesn't apply to strangers saying shit about dumb stuff.

we were having in lovely time. it was zen for me.

then she pipes in. have children, you'll understand. that's all i can say.

i've seen moms lose their sense when their kids are addressed by strangers.

the lady did say in her defense,

i didn't yell at her.

.

i said,

still, never a good idea to say anything to other people's children.

amen. there is no argument. just don't do it.

if a car is coming and my kid is crossing in front of it, that is another story. but where to feed the ducks, step off bitch.

so we wander out to this broken down pier and i shed my outer layers and bask in the sun. my girl kicking around in the water, and while i'm trying to let her not get soaked, she doesn't listen. poor girl, just like me.

it was a very nice day. we have to do it more often. summer is coming and we can resume some of our normal activities, which incorporate copious amounts of creative indolence in scenic areas. that is the best place to veg. at the botanical gardens, by the hudson, in the mountains.

i do miss my girl.

one loss opens other losses for me. and i'm feeling them all afresh right now. though i know it is not loss that i'm experiencing, it feels that way. i am all emotion. i am a fully feeling creature. i cannot help it. it is the spring of my creativity. i just hate going through it, yet i know i must.

i hadn't thought not speaking to my friend would feel like when i lost my lover. ouch. that's too telling. but it's where women go. we go deep. we go baring soul. we go intimately and it is not easy for me to feel encroached upon where intimacy is concerned.

i feel lost when that happens. the hudson grounded me today.

ah yes, and the sun.

crybaby

i don't recall shedding tears when i left my ex. i was so over him. don't recall shedding tears when my latest infatuation fizzled out. but my best friend is in a tough spot with her husband and i was on the verge of tears tonight because i can't lose a girlfriend.

girlfriends are not easily replaced. they do not just appear magically. they are not around every corner.

my daughter and i are perfectly suited to her daughter and her. rarest of all occurances, that the mothers and daughters actually get along.

her daughter was so nice to me tonight, and i wanted to talk to her, but if i would have said anything, i would have cried. so i said nothing.

i turned to the crone of the group and told her briefly what happened.

i can't lose her,

i said.

you won't,

she said.

and she hugged me before i left.

i connect with all these women. they are strong and fiercely independent.

but they are not my best friend. i am only there because she took me there. and, well, i'm going to cry now. this loss, this estrangement is worse than losing any guy. none compares to the women of my life. never have. they have been with me, some of them since i was thirteen. one since nineteen. another since twenty seven, and these newest since i was thirty seven.

women are not replaceable the way men are, they simply aren't.

it reminds me so much of when i lost my grandmother. ten years now, and that anniversary just passed.

the best i can do is try to keep my chin up and send her love and peace.

blame

tonight after work a gathering with my new family, i don't necessarily like parties, but i will make an appearance because i love these people. it's a long drive for me, but i do have tomorrow off to recover. these things usually run late. i'll show up late, and hope it will be well, know it will be well.

class yesterday ran three hours. don't think it is meant to run that long, but we start talking and at first i had nothing to say, but then the round robin format forced me to speak, and so i did.

someone i love very much is getting hasseled for hanging out with me, which troubles me to no end. i have not done what i'm being accused of doing. i trust it will be what it must. this person, doing the accusing is a hater. i know that.

the sun is out, i should go lounge in it, work soon.

but part of me wants to drift off to sleep again...
since i'll be up late, that may be the way i go.

since i'll be at a party, tan skin may be the way i go.
we'll see...

sweatersetgal

precious few men can a. get my attention. b. hold it. c. have a meaningful conversation. and by meaningful i mean, have a bone shatteringly honest conversation. that's all it amounts to kids. don't shrink from my honesty, and i won't shrink from yours. in fact, i'll see your honesty and do you one better. that's how it's always been for me.

met a man who made me think, and i mean that in every sense of the word. gave me hope that my people exist out there, and i summed it up for the kid i was working with as,

i will never be a sweater set gal.

she stared at me blankly.

.

that guy right there, he represents my people.

the heavily tattooed, pierced types i am most comfortable around. seems the rough and tumble set are who i was made to run with.

i don't need twelve thousand dollar shoes,

i told this guy. and he smiled.

we share a few of the same perspectives on things. money being one of them.

it made me think that there are some people on this planet who resonate with me, and i with them. this encourages me. i've felt alone too long. i'm not sure my alone feeling is not self induced. perhaps it is. i'm used to being alone, prefer it to being with someone i can't stand. or in a room full of mindless chatter. i'd rather sit by myself and read a book.

you're in love with love,

my best friend tells me. but it's not that.

it has nothing to do with love. it's all about companionship for me. communing of soul. it always has been. don't bullshit me, just be honest. that's all i ask. very few can walk that line though. can tolerate that line being walked. it turns me on. honesty.

and i think about the great loves of my life, and they were all hinged upon honesty. of course. though, i look back now and feel there has only been one or two great loves. i have been with men that i walked away from because they simply were not honest in the right way.

one comes to mind who was more of a repentantly honest kind of guy. only when i caught him doing something was he honest about it. that's not honesty in my book, that's confessionalism. i'm nobody's priest or savior. i'm just trying to find my way through the minefield of life myself.

i bet on the sun yesterday, it is out today and i am fresh out of the gym, in need of a shower then to bask in the sun at my friend's house. we'll belly dance and then take a class in the evening. i have some questions. but not the ones slated to be answered. just the ones i need to ask.

my ex brought my girl to visit me last night at work. one of my favorite co-workers insisted on meeting him. so i introduced them. my ex smiled,

i think he just wanted to see who was crazy enough to marry me.

i told him.

then we went back inside. i sat with my girl and while i had to do some unsavory business, my first write-up, i did it. i was told to do it. my boss wants to make sure i'm not getting shit from the kids. and so i did it. the pussy cat agreed, it needed to be done.

so, i did it in as plain language as i could. i didn't want to do it, because i addressed the issues that night. i sat down and talked to the kid about what needed to change, what i expect.

i don't know why he gives you shit,

the pussy cat said.

.

he's just testing me.

and i told him exactly how i handled it.

.

good for you,

he said.

.

but then i told him and my boss some other things, and they look somewhat surprised.
.

i'm trying not to be the bitch.

.

i'm the asshole,

the pussy cat says,

be the bitch.

.

so nice suzanne is done. it's time to get the job done and everyone i respect is signing off on it. it's time to be the bitch if i have to be.

everyone knows this is not a hard task for me to accomplish. the bitch comes easily. now if i can walk the line and get done what i need to get done, even better.

tenuous at best

on saturday i gambled that the sun would be out after i got out of the gym. i lost. the sun went packing and it rained until i had to go to work, and then some. this morning, i actually got to sunbathe a smidge. interspersed with moments of cool cloudy, and i finally packed it in when the sprinkles came. i have to get ready for work anyway. at least i have a slight tinge of sunkissed on my face, chest and arms. it will serve.

driving home from my lovely day yesterday, cut short by a mom feeling. i knew it was time to leave, and called my kid.

it's a curious thing to have such news conveyed by a kid.

suffice it to say, i'm tired of the drama. tired of the uncertainties. feel like i need a day off after my day off, but i'm not getting one today. so thankfully, i have one tomorrow.

my friends convey me from one to another because i just need that kind of comfort.

i'm here for you, you know i'm here for you.

my friend tells me as i update her on the shit i've been saving for face to face conversation.

we wandered through the zoo in a decent sized park then sat by a pond and talked. it was a great day yesterday, but by the time i get home, my shoulders are heavy with a new burden. i decide not to call my friend whom i just left because she doesn't need to hear it. i just need to tell it.

so i reconnect with a friend i'd lost for months. first time we talk on the phone, very nice.

but i've run my options through with those i trust, and command my new york best friend to call me, and she wakes me up at midnight.

i tell her, and she is concerned.

we all of us hang our heads and just hope this tenuous alliance is trustworthy, has it ever been.

has the person i left because i couldn't trust him, he can't trust me either, has he finally become trustworthy, have i. now all we've got between us is this fragile alliance on which a child rests. and i don't know, sometimes, how to distrust. but the mom in me begins to doubt. i want to fight, but not unnecessarily.

so i've called off my plans, life will remain the same for the moment, and i begin to wonder if my trust is too gracious, too free. what requirements do i have for trust, they have been right on before, can i not trust the way i trust now? or do i go with it? damn, the more i think about it, the number my mind becomes and i have to retreat into the sun with a book and hope it doesn't start raining too soon.

what next

seems every day holds some surprise. i try to be reasonable, i think i really am. while i'm not the easiest to hem in, by any means, by any one. much as i try, just ain't making any progress.

what can i say. things have changed, and nothing has changed.

sigh.

saved me alive

sometimes the blessing of my tedious dumbass job is that it is mindnumbing, tedious and makes me forget whatever presses down on me. it is the land of minutia, and i am the queen, until i don't want to be. and today, i didn't want to be, so i just rolled with it all. i didn't hassel anyone, didn't require anything of anyone, i just enjoyed everyone and everything. what else is there to do when your world is turned upside down, except eek out any ounce of grace, any shred of compassion, any promise of hope you can from the souls who inhabit your space.

and sometimes, they return the favor, they are kind back to me. they encourage me, and i don't feel like i'm only sweating and getting by for no reason. that something of this madness means something. what, i do not pretend to know.

i'm back home now, and have to deal with my life again. have to stare at these four walls and decide what to do next.

of course, what is the first thing that goes through my head. i need a champion. a hero. but i think i'm going to have to be my own champion, and in many ways, by listening to my friends things will not be as bad as if i hadn't listened.

these are the moments i wonder if i'm brave. i wonder what courage means. i wonder a lot of things, and just have to try to make it one moment, one second at a time.

that which haunts us

comes to light eventually. the zombies attack and you have to fight them off. i get images of the old dawn of the dead with that line. the undead terrified me when i was young, but it's the living who are working me over at the moment.

2much2do

so, tonight i arrive early for work. the boss says,

are you fighting with so and so?

no.

i laughed.

why him?

because he is the one i get along with best at the store, am most comfortable, most myself. i guess my antagonistic qualities are misinterpreted by those not returning fire. that is what i guess. what he guesses, too.

because he asked me one time,

what time do you think we're getting out of here?

i reply,

well, we're moving fast, but factoring in your incredible speed, late.

he laughed, and said,

that's the answer i expected, any less and i would have been disappointed.

he doesn't mind my jesting with him, and i don't mind him messing with me. we enjoy working together.

but i hear rumors, and people saying he's threatening me. mind you, this is one of the sweetest people on the planet. i laughed when i heard that. now if they said i was threatening him, that would make more sense.

silly rumors. silly lies.

what can a girl do.

my boss just shakes her head and says,

as long as you guys are okay, i'm fine.

because she has this rapport with the pussy cat.

it's not meant to be serious all the time, but i find that only the guys can handle my "fun." fun suzanne and women are not a good mix. unless you're a very special type of woman, a mom, namely. the moms seem to get me. my very sarcastic sense of humor. my dark wit. the guys love it, the girls, not so much.

but the rat on this ship was the one who is none too fond of me. whatever. he'll have to find some other shit against me because that isn't going to work and we both laughed with the boss and said,

whatever.

then all night long i kept saying,

are you threatening me.

and he'd get this wicked grin. it was great. i told him to

quit gossiping about me,

and he'd smile wide.

but the boss' boss is coming in tomorrow, and then his boss with him on weds. i'll be pretty wiped out by then, but hopefully the late start times she gave me will save my ass. because i need to sleep.

i can be pretty and nice if i'm rested.

otherwise, beware the bitch. met some nice people tonight. yesterday night saw the guy who invited me to the acoustic jam session with the musicians where i belly danced. he told me the venue changed and the night...won't work out for me to go there tonight (obviously, i missed it), but maybe sometime i'll make it back to their fine company. i sure enjoyed them.

he smiled a lot and demanded i bring poetry this time (he doesn't know that i had it last time, but didn't ever feel the vibe, and the bd went over so well, i quit while i was ahead).

anywhoo, it's all good. i've got the poetry of my fellow mfa-ers, so we'll see how it goes, i get to critique it. huzzah!

doing laundry now, should be done sometime around 2am, isn't that the bomb.

sssssssnakeaphobe

saw my first snake in the yard yesterday. i was walking across the grass and my girl pointed it out.

there it goes!

and i turned, to see a little racing striped garder snake (perhaps one of the only snakes i know by sight, since the last time i saw one he was snaking past my platforms and i screamed. the man with me said,

it's just a garder, it won't hurt you).

but the way the neighbor whose a snakeaphobe found a shovel and came after it.

but it won't hurt you,

i said.

my daughter behind me saying,

don't let him kill it.

what if it gets in your house and crawls across you.

and the image, while delightful in a sense, would surely freak me out, as much as i would like to live kinnel's everyone was in love poem, the idea of being ssssnaken from ssssleep is not one i covet.

the chief appears, as i had ssssummoned him at the ssssnakeaphobe's request.

did you get it?

(couldn't gauge his angle on it. he's told me about snakes here, but not with the phobic intensity of this neighbor, whose fear nearly passed to me, but i'm strong and naive. an effective tonic against the right things, or wrong, depending on your angle.)

nope, it's back in your yard.

my daughter and i trying to mask our rooting for the snake to sneak away. it really isn't my place to say who kills what around here, but i would think tribal people would be less about the kill. maybe i'm just being a shit. probably.

but the chief turns to me and says,

why don't you go get a towel and lay out?

in his dry humor, which i find incredibly funny, except at the moment.

i get it.

i said.

so, no more sprawling on the grass. i use a beach lounge now. i know, i don't take anything seriously enough. but ask anyone, i take everything too seriously, so how can those two exclusives co-exist? i do not know.

work was good yesterday. the artist and i bicker like siblings. we enjoy each other's company, and he read my poem.

i was right there with you, in the snow.

yes,

i said.

i know it's a good poem. and i have to prepare for my reading at the residency. i only have three minutes, but i better make them the best damn, solid three minutes of my life so far.

what to read. what to read. i'm tempted to read something new, but i think with the time constraints and fresh blood, i'll read some old standards. why the hell not?

work relatively soon, i have to go to the gym.

get out

here we go again, i'm home too much and have to get out.

pacing the cage, as it were. troubling dreams i don't understand. all around say, attend to your dreams, and i don't know how or why. they shake me from sleep and i wake more distraught than when i lay me down.

so i'm not going to. i'm going to let them go and focus on what i can see. what i can feel. nothing else will be real to me, if i don't see it or feel it.

this is pretty much how i've been living my life of late, the past six months. cutting off the promise of things which never come, for the present. the moment. the now.

i've got to get out.

and so i shall.

ramble on

my back kind of hurts a little. the kid i closed with tonight is an artist too, so we get along really well, he's going to get his mfa ultimately, so is interested in mine. asked me tonight about my work, and since i had a journal release party during my first days of work, i let a couple of the ladies, including my boss see one of my poems (they were shocked and impressed, which is nice. people think poetry is so sappy, usually, but it doesn't have to be. it can be fucking awesome). anyway, i'll let the kid see it tomorrow night. we're very much on the same artistic wavelength, so he'll probably dig it.

my residency fast approaches and i'm dragging ass through these books. largely because they don't pertain directly to my degree, except that they are required (so in that sense, that kills that argument. damn!). but i can't muster any enthusiasm for them. that makes it tough. just dragging my eyeballs over dry pages, hoping to recall something, anything for when i'm sitting in these classes.

in the environment though, in the frenzy of residency, it will be different. there is something incredibly stimulating about being with a group of people who are headed in the same general direction.

there is much i can say, but i'm tired. going to watch hancock and try to get up at a decent hour tomorrow. rolling out of bed just before work isn't doing so good for me, i'm pretty much in a fog for the first hour or so i'm there. not fun. especially since i always walk in and get stuck on bar and had a huge order called in, and a line.

that's fun kids. that's fun.

peace. out.

hardass

belly dance began with a meditation tonight, it was our final class this run. and i'll miss it. but my instructor is auditioning for a very major bd dance troupe, such an honor. she is truly amazing.

anyway, i wrote, and what i write comes out as poems.

it's nice to be able to give chills to people with words. the way these dancers chill me with their grace and movements.

we went out for drinks after, and i find, i love these women. we had one man in tow, lucky guy. i directed my first video, while he taped it, and hopefully it will appear on youtube. what else is there to do at a bar with a bunch of belly dancers? make a video. embarass your friends. whatever, we had fun.

so the guy with us is telling us how a swimmer's movements (butterfly) is much like a belly dancer's. and his girl wraps her arm around him and says to me,

touch his ass.

and i looked at him. he's standing there, like this isn't the first time she's said this to someone.

and she says,

go ahead.

and so i do.

it was like a rock.

are you clenching?

a little.

don't. relax.

we tell him. as one by one we poke and otherwise feel his ass, but even completely slack it was the firmest ass i've ever felt in my life.

i realize these people are about as sensual as i am, maybe more. i'm pretty well sauced by this point but i'm not feeling anyone up. then time passes, we drink, we talk, we laugh. we pose for pictures, we're talking about leaving (eventually), and hardass' girlfriend high fives me with her breasts. i laughed.

finally,

i said,

i was beginning to feel left out.

this after she and my teacher oohed and awed over my hot purple punk pants, which i wore straps down, they wanted me to put them up, so i kept sliding my hands down my thighs, this did not stop them, they lifted the straps up over my shoulders anyway.

i want those pants.

went the refrain.

they are cute. i must say. and so, i wasn't completely unaccosted either, but nothing like the feelings going on the entire time.

so we're standing there after the boob high five, and she glances her hand down my chest. and i laughed. these women are not afraid of anything.

standing beside them when again we were going to leave, they lifted my shirt sleeve up to see my horses. oohs and aahs ensued, and we went to the car where we listened to music, danced in the parking lot and made plans for a sleepover.

so junior high, but wonderful.

one leaned in and asked me,

do you have a lover?

sort of.

i said.

and when i went to hug the gentleman goodnight, i said

goodnight hardass.

and he laughed, then told me to punch him in the ass as hard as i could. i did. amazing.

just amazing.

intimately she goes

my best friend is very social. not very intimate. i am very intimate, not very social. we are, together, quite a pair. i'm a dark lady, she's a blonde. quite the duality, but together, we laugh, we talk, we enjoy each other.

up in her room today, i lay on the floor while she got ready, reading her my latest poems, and she listened intently. we discussed our past weeks, it's been awhile since we've been together, and went to lunch at an indian restaurant.

we met other friends there, and it was a lovely time. laughing ensued, and the food was delicious.

back at home, i read a poem to her that i cried when i wrote, cried when i read aloud at the intensive, and cried again when i read to her today. i looked up to see, she was crying with me.

i'm so vulnerable right now.

we both cried together, for the complicated lives of women. commiserating and celebrating, through tears. laughing and weeping the way women have always done, through the ages.

this is what we do for one another. i reconnect her with intimacy, she exposes me to the world. reluctant i go, intimately she goes. we are a pair. i the dark lady, she the blonde. a poem for her came today, at least i know it's cooking. she had asked me about a poem, not long before those on the periphery of my life, those regularly subjected to my work wonder when they'll turn up.

well today she has become a poem to me.

and in the barrage of poems i read to her, purging poems, leaving poems, loving poems, hers stirs in me, a light spot in my darkness. and i wait for her to come, fully formed from the clamshell and foam. my companion of middle age. my friend.

midweekend

two days off. started off the morning at my old digs giving the former boss a heads up. i don't know why i care about people, but i do. call me broken, unfixable. but i don't give up on people, ever.

was certain my latest poem would be fodder for the firing squad but as usual my friends are amazing.

i have a movie on i really need to attend to. subtitles. damn. i'm more in a vegetative mode. i'll have to change it, i guess.

long, long day. the people were decent. work was fine. i have realized i don't have to kill myself and i still get everything done.

so nice to be with a crew that actually knows wtf they are doing. so nice.

but the old crew is still haunting me, and that is a shame. nothing can be done about it. only goes to show how petty some people can be. but what i don't understand is what is to be gained by messing with the workings of two stores. and how a low man on the totem pole can cause such a stir.

tomorrow, lunch at an indian restaurant and belly dancing. friday, belly dancing. i realize, since i'm completely out of my comfort zone with this style of dance i'm studying that i'm not as gung ho as i once was. it's just not what moves me at the moment. though, when i put on metallica or foos, i move the way i'm supposed to move. i think for me, the music is key.

i need to workout, i am getting gelatinous again.

don't know why. i really don't know why. i think i'm just too tired to focus on any particular aspect of my workout, i'm just going through the motions (to no avail, apparently).

but i'm ready to veg out now.
must away. hopefully i'll sleep in or fall asleep soon and not need to sleep late, i have much to do. much to do...

beyond me

well, work today had one surprise. my boss told her boss what went down yesterday.

yikes.

i didn't do it. couldn't find my phone, and i don't know how it will go over.

i'm only sorry it has gone down this way. i never wanted this to happen, but i had nothing, and still have nothing to do with it.

my back aches something fierce tonight. i better check what time i'm in in the morning, because i've slipped into a closing schedule this week and i like sleeping in. but i think i'm a mid tomorrow.

mids are a mix blessing for me. they get me there early, but i'm used to nights, i admit it. do i want to close always, no. but neither do i want to do only mids. i enjoy having the say, being the one responsible for whatever happens to get fucked up on my watch. because the flip side of that is the kudos for shit i do right.

i'll likely watch a movie, relax and try not to think about much tonight.

i dropped a rather large metal object on my foot tonight, so i'm kind of in recovery mode. it will bruise up, i know it will. at least i've stopped limping. too bad i wore my cute shoes and not my sturdier not cute work shoes.

the things women do to look cute.

peace. out.

it may be okay

finally got my financial aid package. whew. talking with the kids at work who are on their way to school as well, some in different states, we're all in agreement that the finance aspect of schooling is the toughest. what to do.

they ask me questions about what i'm going to do, how i'm going to pay for this or that.

i don't know.

i tell them.

don't you worry?

no, why? i believe it will all work out, and it always does. this is life.

you see, i've been through so much shit and come out the other side, to find out that this is all it will ever be. in the meantime we need to grab whatever happiness we can along the way.

i will probably have to work until i die. i'm cool with that. i just hope there is some redeeming joy along the way. some moment of pleasure and connection with another soul.

these are what keep me moving forward from moment to moment.

and the belief that it will be alright.

why try

i don't know how to explain it. it was strange tonight. i walk into my store after being gone two whole days, and i'm slammed with controversy, about me, of all people. apparently, someone is talking smack about me and blaming it on my old boss (who i'm cool with again). i didn't understand it, so i called him and said,

wtf?

he says he'll handle it, but who knows. that crew is out of control.

the thing i mentioned was,

whomever is talking

(and i know exactly who it is, so does he),

is making it sound like you're saying all kinds of shit about me.

and, since i know he wasn't, i mentioned it has to stop, it's making you look bad.

this drama is being perpetuated by the girl who hates me and her bf, who is kind of nuts. why an asst. mgr would go around to other stores and cause trouble, i do not know. but it was funny at first because there was some talk of someone having said i'm crazy, and i laughed, then i thought, but i'm not.

the truth i can handle. give me the truth, even painful truth all day long. but lies. forget about it.


it really knocked me off my game, and i'm sorry it did. i hate drama.

i hate being at the center of it.

all this while i'm away enjoying myself.

sigh.

hurry, don't be late

if i don't hurry, i will be late. but here i am again, writing.

i look back through the pages, through the things i have not let go in your silence, absence. and wonder, how do you manage it. to keep me, my heart. i don't know. and i try. i try to consider life without you, life apart. but it is not so easy as it seems.

almost a year since i've heard word. almost a year. but your presence suffocates me still. and i've written about you again. revived your presence, invoked your spirit. and why, i wonder.

how long can a girl love shadows.

i must away, lunch with a friend. but i miss you. i still miss you.
come back to me.

rest now girl...

now, the poems i knew would come have come. to reckon with them in real time. to see my mind, my words, my wishes in print. in words. to share them. that is the next step.

at one point, i sat in a chair in the garden, head back in the sun, not knowing what to write. and she came, my grams. made her way to me through the silence. through the distance.

i read that poem and cried.

everyone there understood. i was grateful she came. i'm grateful i had her once in my life, to know that kind of love. it's transformative. even the memory of it heals.

and i turn, from memory to memory. from word to word. chronicalling it all. questioning, exposing my heart, my life, my soul to these who are doing no less.

now back in the world, back in the unfriendly world where poetry is not the norm, i wonder what next.

i was so exhausted when i arrived, having worked a full day, then stayed up chatting with one of my friends until well past one. i couldn't sleep saturday during free time, so i called a poet who couldn't make it and commiserated.

but by that night, i was fried. by that afternoon i assumed the familiar posture, head down on the table, head up only to read. and once, to defend my dearest friend whose work was being attacked.

he got you to lift your head,

she said, gratefully.

i like the poem. i love what you did.

he was a jerk anyway. poetry is utterly subjective, and i didn't appreciate his arrogant assault of my friend. but i was not up for a fight, and sternly rebuked him with my head up. he shut up and we moved on to the next poem.

dragging through the rest of the night, i lay back, arms splinted in braces because it gives me a break. all the writers in the room reached out to me, carpal tunnel is no laughing matter among the literary set. and i assured them,

i do not have carpal tunnel, but i'm exhausted.

holding up my hands, my head, my body in the upright position was beyond me, and i sat up only to read. opened my eyes only to read my one poem, then went to bed at ten. didn't stir until seven am. but i'm still tired.

i had to work ten days straight to get this weekend off, and while i close the store tomorrow, i have to catch up on my rest now. so i'll laze about, doing laundry, napping, resting my body which seems to go all out for me. and remembering everyone. even those not there whom i miss.

so the poems i knew were coming came, my children called to me. and i prepare for my master's work in earnest. many books to read. papers to write. work to do in preparation. i've about six outfits i'll take with me. need about five more. one of my dear friends from this weekend lives up in ma, and i'll try to squeeze a visit to her in while i'm up in boston. it would be nice. hopefully, i can swing it.

i'm encouraged though. my work is strong. there were many new faces this weekend and new faces are always good. the best part of an intensive is, arguably, the acceptance of other poets. there ain't nothin' like it.

okay, okay

i am an emotional creature. everyone who knows me, knows this. so i call my best friend and she's telling me how she doesn't do emotion, not comfortable with it. and i'm all stuffed up from crying after seeing seven pounds.

i believe in love.

i believe we can redeem each other with love. perhaps the redeemer and the one being redeemed do not know it at the time, but i believe love has unbidden ungovernable powers that can transform lives.

but who loves this recklessly, this unselfishly. who can receive this lavish love.

who indeed.

we're all damaged goods here. none of us gets out of here in tact. none of us has the corner on the fucked up market. we're all pretty much in the same shitstorm, some of us just happen to have the right rain gear, by fate or luck, not sure which.

others, by sheer strength of will, it seems make it through the day.

and i find my way from love to love. i know this about me. that i love.

i rubbed a rose petal on my lips, chin, cheeks, nose because it was velvety soft and had fallen off the rose i had slid into the spiral binding of my datebook.

why do you have that rose,

he asked.

.

because it's dying. i wouldn't want to die alone

.

fortunately for me, he's a poet, and understands this madness. though he said nothing, i felt his ascent.

i wanted to rub the petal on him and let him lavish in the feel of it, but i restrained myself. we are not that intimately acquainted.

and when she died, having been written about, memorialized as it were. i let her go. i let her go.

i do know how to let go. i think that is the greater part of love, letting be those who would not receive.

but i do wish for the return of one long gone. one whom i remember never having seen. one whom i know, never having known. one lost to me before i'd found how much i could love. was capable of love. and was loved in return.

for you see, i was the one once, who could not receive.

and this is how the cycle goes. we are all broken and lost. there are moments, brief as the glittering dew on the morning grass. but we have them, moments of genuine affection, attention, love.

cherish them.

i believe in love.

i continue to believe in love.

one man

when i didn't have the amount of hours i needed/was promised, i asked my new boss if i could find more hours somewhere else.

you can have some of mine,

was what she said, and so it happened. the good thing is, i got more hours. the bad thing is, i got more hours. it's not an easy job by any stretch of the imagination, and i'm tired. but i work my ass off at work, and to come in today and get bullshit feedback, nitpicking from my boss' boss is a tad bit irritating to say the least.

i apologized and said,

i put customer health and saftey first.

the bullshit under the benches can wait as far as i'm concerned. it has nothing to do with my coming from a smaller store, it has everything to do with priorities.

that doesn't need to be on a list,

i was told. but i disagree.

coming into a new store, i'm making these kids work. one said last night,

i've done a lot of work tonight

(hear: the most i've had to work in a long time). and i make it fun, as fun as work can be. but! there is only so much one can do.

so for me to ride these kids about bullshit that can wait is not my priority. it's his. he could have busted out the broom and lead by example. it's easy to point out the problems. very easy. i get the problems. but this store was in bad shape before i got there, it's not going to turn around overnight. we're working on it, it's a process of time and energy.

good things are happening though.

poquito por poquito mija.

yes grams.

late nights

just in from work, as usual, i'm wired. doing laundry. going to watch a movie and hit the books. so much reading to be done in the next month but i've already read two books, am in a third, and will start fourth tonight. then, about ten or twelve more to go. papers to write, residency to get to. i'm looking forward to it though. i will do a poetry reading while i'm there for faculty and other students. it will be a nice intro to master's work.

i'm grateful. for everything. for the tender humiliations that keep me humble. for the love that will not come just because i demand it show it's goddamn face. for the love that is coming, wherever it is. though i often lose hope. for the ache in my back and the peace in my heart. i'm grateful for it all. it all makes me stronger, makes me better. and tomorrow it will be a beautiful day.

some mornings i lie in bed and will myself to enjoy it.

today i made it to the gym early, that always helps my perspective. i don't feel like such a slug. tomorrow and weds i'll force myself to go, because this weekend is my intensive and i have to be ready for it. i'll spend some of thursday finalizing for it. i'm going straight from work and am putting a psychic hold on my room. it's the one i've slept in for three years now, almost four. and i am not getting there before everyone else this year, i work until four. that puts me there around five. i'll shower, shampoo, and shine there. that will rejuvenate me from the long workday.

and hopefully my poems will come as they usually do. i've been backbuilding. there are some things i have to write because i have them in my heart to write. there are some words i have to fashion because they want to come. perhaps then i will not be in need of a muse any longer, perhaps then, i can open myself to a new muse. perhaps not. it is always a gamble with me.

i'm ready though, for whatever is coming. for what will come to me is mine, this i know. this i trust. if nothing else.

and i am grateful for my home, for the chief and his tribe who rally around me. i'm grateful for their presence, though mine is often imperfect, they are gracious and encouraging.

we do the best we can, and then move on.

and one thing more. we love whom we love. there is no exception to that rule. at least none that i've found. it doesn't have to make sense. it doesn't have to feel good. it doesn't have to be anything promising. it just is what it is.

i look forward to being loved as i love though. that will be nice. and i can wait for the right place and time for that to happen, because i'm sure it will. we are not meant to languish. and i think my time of languishing is nearly done. i feel change coming, and with it, new faces, new places, new loves.

all is well. all is well.