Monday, June 29, 2009

this magic moment.

i've been staring hard into the vast nothing, and i'm really getting tired of it.

sometimes things happen and it makes me lose focus on what i'm doing. that is what has occurred of late. i need to prioritize again, and i am just not doing that. the prospect of having questions finally answered, of feeling relief at the sight of someone i've waited for to walk up to my door. those things are merely distraction at the moment. time to focus.

i've noticed the old signs of late. i've seen them. but they don't strike me like they used to. i look up then away. i don't spend time anymore wishing. wishing has gotten me nowhere in the past. now i've got things to do to make ends meet, and i'm about those things, for the most part, near exclusively.

one of my customers from my previous store came by yesterday and was so encouraging, it reminded me of what can be done, what i need to do, what i'm trying to accomplish. and that where i'm going is essential for my growth.

i put everyone else's growth before mine, and that has to stop. it's time for me to lean in to my own agenda and fulfill my desiny.

i remember when i thought i had a destiny. that there was some purpose to my life. some grand scheme. i'm not sure what i believe now, except that this moment is it. and i still believe in the law of kindness. that i must, must, must treat others with respect, and accept no less in return.

had a customer who was trying to peg me as presumptuous and argumentative yesterday, but i was not. simply doing my job. on occasion, i am quite good at it. but she wanted to dance her fancy dance of words and by being a bitch get what she wanted. but i would not yield. i had no reason to. i knew what i had to do, was instructed to do and was not going to do any more.

you don't even know the story.


i do.


these were on that sale table, and you guys didn't move them.


we have no control over what is moved by customers.


anyone of you could have moved them, i walked in and saw them there.


provided we found them before you did. i am authorized to do this and no more. (at that point, it was very close to what she wanted but she was such a bitch, i wouldn't give her an inch more than i had to. honey instead of vinegar folks, remember that.)


we're a busy store, how anyone can think it's as easy as us just ambling over as soon as something gets misplaced, i don't know. peg me as the bad guy all you want, but it doesn't change anything.

i need to lean in to my dreams and fulfill them myself because no one else is going to lend a hand in my direction (though, i realize as i say that, how many helping hands i've had extended to me along the way, i'm grateful for those, but i don't expect them. i don't require them. i don't demand them. i am just grateful for them, perhaps why they continue to appear).

i don't know. for all my uncertainty, i have only this. this moment to make of it what i will.

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