sometimes the blessing of my tedious dumbass job is that it is mindnumbing, tedious and makes me forget whatever presses down on me. it is the land of minutia, and i am the queen, until i don't want to be. and today, i didn't want to be, so i just rolled with it all. i didn't hassel anyone, didn't require anything of anyone, i just enjoyed everyone and everything. what else is there to do when your world is turned upside down, except eek out any ounce of grace, any shred of compassion, any promise of hope you can from the souls who inhabit your space.
and sometimes, they return the favor, they are kind back to me. they encourage me, and i don't feel like i'm only sweating and getting by for no reason. that something of this madness means something. what, i do not pretend to know.
i'm back home now, and have to deal with my life again. have to stare at these four walls and decide what to do next.
of course, what is the first thing that goes through my head. i need a champion. a hero. but i think i'm going to have to be my own champion, and in many ways, by listening to my friends things will not be as bad as if i hadn't listened.
these are the moments i wonder if i'm brave. i wonder what courage means. i wonder a lot of things, and just have to try to make it one moment, one second at a time.
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