tenuous at best

on saturday i gambled that the sun would be out after i got out of the gym. i lost. the sun went packing and it rained until i had to go to work, and then some. this morning, i actually got to sunbathe a smidge. interspersed with moments of cool cloudy, and i finally packed it in when the sprinkles came. i have to get ready for work anyway. at least i have a slight tinge of sunkissed on my face, chest and arms. it will serve.

driving home from my lovely day yesterday, cut short by a mom feeling. i knew it was time to leave, and called my kid.

it's a curious thing to have such news conveyed by a kid.

suffice it to say, i'm tired of the drama. tired of the uncertainties. feel like i need a day off after my day off, but i'm not getting one today. so thankfully, i have one tomorrow.

my friends convey me from one to another because i just need that kind of comfort.

i'm here for you, you know i'm here for you.

my friend tells me as i update her on the shit i've been saving for face to face conversation.

we wandered through the zoo in a decent sized park then sat by a pond and talked. it was a great day yesterday, but by the time i get home, my shoulders are heavy with a new burden. i decide not to call my friend whom i just left because she doesn't need to hear it. i just need to tell it.

so i reconnect with a friend i'd lost for months. first time we talk on the phone, very nice.

but i've run my options through with those i trust, and command my new york best friend to call me, and she wakes me up at midnight.

i tell her, and she is concerned.

we all of us hang our heads and just hope this tenuous alliance is trustworthy, has it ever been.

has the person i left because i couldn't trust him, he can't trust me either, has he finally become trustworthy, have i. now all we've got between us is this fragile alliance on which a child rests. and i don't know, sometimes, how to distrust. but the mom in me begins to doubt. i want to fight, but not unnecessarily.

so i've called off my plans, life will remain the same for the moment, and i begin to wonder if my trust is too gracious, too free. what requirements do i have for trust, they have been right on before, can i not trust the way i trust now? or do i go with it? damn, the more i think about it, the number my mind becomes and i have to retreat into the sun with a book and hope it doesn't start raining too soon.