well, i did it.

i danced today for a friend, and it was okay. it wasn't earth shattering, but then it didn't have to be. i just had to do it. mostly, it was a hoop that i needed to get through and, i did. amen.

we've been so incredibly busy at work. headspinningly busy. which is good. great, in fact. except when it comes to the ordering side of things. yeup, i'm missing shit. all over the place.

but i'm tired now, and must to bed.

peace. out.

show and tell

i'm not used to lugging a camera around, besides, when i do, i break them. but here are a few shots from tuesday night. my belly dance instructor took them. this is her, she's amazing.


and i'm looking up, because this is the proper carriage for a belly dancer, head up, shoulders back, etc. plus, we were in a small hall (long story), and it is what it is.


here i'm doing hip lifts and drops.



here, i'm doing hip circles in a circle, and these are probably too blurry to use for anything, but they're all i've got so far. so they'll have to do.







here's my belly. :D


more shots later, perhaps.

i just saw twilight. what a movie.
makes me want to believe the impossible is possible.

must away

i'm not sure anyone has had the desire to be away as much as i do at the moment. i'm heading out asap just to be gone. not sure where i'm headed or what we'll do, but i'm hanging out with a girl from work whom i get on famously with. she doesn't work in my store, which is even better. we're not supposed to fraternize as they say, but since she's of a different store, so much the better.

the place was hopping last night. massively busy. the most busy i've ever experienced. and it was wonderful. meanwhile, we were setting up the new holiday set, which was awful planning on the part of the higher ups (do we really need to be rearranging our stores on a day which is the most busy of the season so far? come now).

but my boss and i tag teamed it, and it came together.

mingled with an endless rush of customers. and my boss had predicted when it got really busy, we'd lose it.

but we didn't. he prepared us well, and as we left for the night he said,

i expected to see you guys go nuts, but you didn't.

nope.

i laughed.

we are ready.

and so we are.

now i must away, to go somewhere i want with someone who wants to actually spend time with me. i don't get that vibe at home. ever.

the feeling is probably mutual at this point. i don't want to be here anymore than they want me here, essentially. so i drag in after midnight and stay up until 2, then wake up very late, and most times, have to go back to bed because i'm so wasted tired.

but not today. today we play.

i need to find some red shoes. i was thinking converse, but they don't have any support and i need to be supported, i think i have high arches.

peace. out.

enjoy the true american holiday eat fest that thanksgiving is. i know, i suck the joy out of everything, but it's my nature. the holidays, for me, are to merely be endured.

diversions

in need of a diversion, i try to find a door that will open to me. i've felt this kind of discontent before and it is not good. i need to go where i can be safe, and that is, perhaps, only to my dear friend's house.

so much in my mind, on my mind. i've spoken to my prof this morning and gotten permission, essentially, to dump the critical essay component of my final packet. i have written critically all along, and i was doing too much. i had to ask for a reprieve. and so i have one.

the trick now is, to compile it all into one flowing document. she thinks i can do it. she is smitten by my writing, and i am grateful for her support. i hope the faculty agrees. they evaluate the works and determine if you actually pass the semester and get your degree. :D fun times kids.

but i'm worn thin in ways i've not imagined possible. and this morning, lay in the sheltered dark of my forest green pendleton, and saw myself performing my belly dance. this has been a tricky issue for me, where to do it, how to do it, when to do it.

it was supposed to be more than it is. but, now i just have to get it done. i have a couple options, one of them more appropriate than the other. i will try for the appropriate option, but as i said, i'm looking for a diversion and the inappropriate may suit me. but it's dangerous, and i don't need any complications at this point.

i must away. this is not how i imagined life would be right now. and while i wish it were different, it is still, in fact, my so-called-life. and i'm riding it out. we'll see where i end up. hopefully washed up on some white sandy beach.

that would be ideal.

this day many lifetimes ago

i keep wondering where i lost it, the joy. the feeling that life was a celebration. tonight i needed help, and asked for it from those closest to me, and they did not oblige. what am i to do? keep asking? hardly. my inclination is to be done with it, the asking, the vulnerability of it all, the need of them. to shut down that area of my life and heart and close them out. for good.

is this too harsh? perhaps.

but how many times does a woman get beaten down and get back up and say, hit me again? how many i ask is too many? and i'm so far away from family, they can only hold me in words and answer when i call but not rush to me, never rush to me. and this is when i need them most. these blood ties that i find so few anymore.

i would wander away if i could, off the map never to be seen again. and who would notice, my co-workers, certainly. my sister, undoubtedly. but i don't know that the life i'm living now is sustainable in the context in which i'm living it.

contexts must change.

and so they shall.

diplomas and ceremonies

so the end begins. it's been such a long road i can't believe it's over next month. i can't wait for it to be over, yet, i will be relieved and perhaps sad that i've made it through. i don't know.

it looks like i'll get to go to the whole poetry intensive, i was going to have to take one (another of many) for the team at my store and miss the saturday evening festivities (more poetry writing and reading), but my boss is going to cover me, so i can get away for the whole intensive. it keeps me sane. it helps me write. and since i've produced nothing compared to my usual output of late, this is a nice coming attraction. a mental download of sorts.

i imagine i'll sleep alot. that is what i did last time. i got there way early and went to bed, until dinner. then slept as much as possible the next day. i'm like a cat that way, turning up for meals. but i just need to rejuvenate. i have to cut out early on sunday to make it to work, but i'm grateful i get to go for the whole event. it is a huge deal for me to participate.

i'm going for the low-residency program after all because i can't swing a residency program with all the uncertainties of my life, this i know. i need to just keep doing what apparently works for me. and i'm looking forward to the twelve day residency when i will be immersed in my master's program in massachussets. so looking forward to that. i wonder which poets will be on staff then, i've heard some of the previous and they are excellent.

but now, i have a gigantic paper to write, a belly dance to perform, and a final project to collate. we'll see how it goes.

i'm looking forward. leaning in. and letting momentum carry me.

the letter from the school asking how my name should appear on my diploma and where it should be sent was a much needed boost. i hope to make it to graduation ceremonies in june up in vermont. we'll see.

peace.

don't let me forget

it's been so long, so very long since i've had a whisper of hope. and now, life calls to me again, do i turn away? do i release myself from the bondage of grief? it has been so long since i've felt like me. and i'm me again.

the good, the bad, the inbetween.

but there are moments still, i stop and look back, turning my head over my shoulder wondering if i'll see the strider coming over the fields of grain, if i'll hear his voice call out to me. i pause for a moment and listen. all is silent, so i move on. i go forward, i make myself live.

my friend whom i'd entrusted my book to said,

next time you write a poetry book, don't make it so sad.

and i smiled, and said,

i'd try.

someone said to me today,

i haven't seen you this happy.

and it was true, i'd been so locked up in my head, a tower of impenetrable grief. but then, the time passed, and i found that there are those who want my company, who want my presence, who want me to be active and alive.

somehow, this encourages me to want to be active and alive.

no more the looker on, but the active participant. making mistakes, making choices, making each moment what it needs to be.

and now as i consider the road ahead, the journey it will take me, and wonder if i can do it, if i can in fact swing it. i believe i can hear you whipser to me, just try.

i won't know if i can do it if i don't try. and there are lots of people who do much, much more than i'm doing and are successful. i simply have to find out what makes me successful. and do that.

mostly, i think it's committing myself to something. to giving my word that i will do my best at it. and i can't let that slide. i have to try.

holidays are here again, and i'm uninterested. i'm captivated by work and the people there, they are so good to me. and it is hard work but we care for each other, and that helps.

i feel a part of something. is it something transient? i don't know, i cannot say. all i can say now is, it's something healing. even when it's tough. even when it's difficult. even when i cry. it's where i'm supposed to be.

and for now, that is enough.

home again.

i get home after everyone has fallen asleep, i rumble around trying to do schoolwork until i just can't keep my eyes open any longer, then wake up and do the same thing.

i got recognition at work today, during the district holiday meeting, for doing my thing. and then, i didn't do so well tonight. i sold a lot of stuff, i can make great sales, but i have a million things to do at the store. and my manager keeps saying,

you've only got a few things. i've got a million things.

and i believe it. there's no end to the details.

i need a rum and coke, and to go to bed. my deadlines loom, but sleep cannot hurt. and the other day driving to the farm, there was a large bird circling over the freeway, it dove and turned, first i saw the bright white tail, then the white head. it was an eagle, just like in my dream of late. first time i've seen a dream image so clearly in waking so soon after dreaming it.

then as we left the barn, a hawk rose and circled over us. over us. and i stopped and pressed my face and hand against the glass to see him, and see him seeing me. he winked, i'm sure of it.

but i'm tired now and must to bed.

peace.

sooner than later

my deadline is upon me, and i'm trying to make up for lost time, while at the same time, do what i have to do at work. today at the farm, i ended up filling buckets for ten horses instead of five, but since i have no time, no time to spare, it felt like something i probably shouldn't be doing. but i can't not do it. that's my problem.

belly dancing tonight was amazing, as usual. we really felt the groove, and i have stopped stalling out between moves. i keep doing whatever it is i want to do during the time my instructor changes the songs, or whatever. it helps me keep flowing if don't stop and just stand around every time she stops. it may be distracting, but time is short, and i have to do what i have to do now.

speaking of which, i have to go work on my final paper. i have to turn it in a week earlier than i thought. gotta love that.

peace.
out.

rapport

i've fallen into a comfortable place with customers and co-workers, and it's a good feeling. i still have moments when i'm less than kind, but for the most part, it's working out. the staff seem to be asking me questions (which kind of makes me laugh because some of these same people fought my arrival, which i guess is human nature, to buck new authority, or anyone who says to do something different).

but it's working out. we laugh, we work, we are a team. it's a great feeling.

we finally broke through a psychological barrier last night that our store couldn't manage to get around. i'm grateful it's done. we kept trying, my boss has been trying, i've been trying, the team, trying. but nothing. until last night. i was grateful to be the one on watch when it occurred. and, i didn't have to stay late.

it had been a bad habit i'd developed, working past time, just trying to tie up loose ends. my boss says i keep missing stuff, but it's more about follow-up than anything. these kids will say they've done something but they haven't done it to the nth degree, if you know what i mean. they've just bowed in the general direction.

i want things done and done well. so does my boss. but we're coming around, the team as a whole.

there has to be a willingness to be taught and a gentle hand guiding the reins, or the whole thing becomes about fighting each other for power and that simply is not fun. it sucks.

reminds me of bitty, she ran to me when i went to get her. i love that pony. from across the field she bolted right toward me, for a scratch, certainly, but i think she knew i was there to retrieve her.

so i lead her out of the field, and george has been lingering about the gate, hoping to get out with me, i think, but it wasn't his time. so i moved him away and didn't realize he'd sidled around bitty's backside, and how quickly this could go downhill. but i'm working the tricky closure on the gate (some crazy toggle bolt, why they don't make a quick release for these applications, i don't know). and george is pestering bitty. so i turn around, and flick the lead at him, to drive him away from her before he gets kicked or bites her.

i've finally figured out how to get the crowding horse off point so i can exit with the horse i want. it's all about forethought, which isn't my strong suit. but if i approach the gate from the opening angle, and shave off the horse crowding the exit, essentially pushing them (not physically, metaphorically) to the hinged part of the gate rather than letting them have the angle and trying to get an untethered horse to stay in the enclosure, i can extract my pony without incident.

so, anyway, bitty and i are in the field grazing, (well, she is grazing, not me. i'm just enjoying her chestnut coat, her strong neck, and will. the dappled sky, and remnants of fall), and the kid who is to ride bitty approaches. bitty lifts her head and jerks away, so i follow her.

she's tiny, but incredibly strong, and strong willed. i know the method to get a horse to do what you want is to jerk the halter and lead, but i don't find that kind and it is not the way i want to treat my friends. i am probably not helping by not manhandling her, now that i think of it, but when she is with me, i don't want her to feel i'm trying to push her around. i can't. i understand this. and i don't have any desire to, i hope she understands this.

so she starts trotting away, and i jog along side, like we're in a dogshow, and we cross through the field and go down a small hill to the other side of the road, me running the entire time. we make it on to the small dirt road where i regain some semblance of the lead, and i keep the pace, jogging along down the road with her. she pulls me a bit to a lush patch of clover, and i let her take a nibble, then jog her into her stall, where i take her blanket off.

this was not how i would have preferred to do it. but bitty is strong. if she is going where i need her to go, albeit at a trot, rather than a walk, what is the downside of that? though everyone was watching me and some were saying,

do you need help?

i just smiled and trotted by saying,

no, we're fine.

because we were. we'd figured it out. she got where she needed to be, she just didn't want to be around the kid who was retrieving her from me. and i understand that too.

i have the day off, and tomorrow too. but i'll be going in both days. weds we have a big district meeting where i'll get to meet some of the higher ups. i'm told there will be some kind of recognition for me there, but who knows. we'll see.

peace. out.

my baby

so, apparently, my book is circulating at some office in the city. sigh.

my boss said,

it's good.

strange how these things happen. i had no idea. remains to be seen what will happen. but i know a few people have my back.

i haven't been doing so well in the time management department, staying late and trying to get everything done, knowing i am not able to do it all. there is always more.

it's very late, i'm very tired, must to bed.

where is my romeo?

the sequel

these tiny acts of courage are sometimes rewarded. i gave my poetry book to three people (four, actually) at work i trust. those who could someday be considered friends. a comment i got was,

i cried.

the next comment i got was,

is there a sequel.

it made me smile.

i'm lost in the topsy turvy demands of my job, and trying to find some balance there. don't answer the phone, don't go the extra mile. but that really isn't my style, so what to do? hmm.

frustrated is not the word for what i am right now, because it's too mild. i'm trying to believe our entire team wants us to succeed, but at times it doesn't feel that way. is it people's indifference? inattention? intention? who can tell and how do we change it?

we have to recertify the entire store, which is wonderful and should have been done weeks ago, but there was some question as to whether or not i was right about what was going on. sadly, i was. it's times like these i want to be proven wrong.

as i spoke with someone i know i said it again,

i want to be wrong.

trouble is, i can evaluate a situation pretty accurately. even when i don't like what i see, i know what the major issues are. so how to incorporate this knowledge with some action. to take the lead in positive change. though at the moment, i'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.

how do you change ingrained patterns and carelessness? how do you make people care? why should they, it's "just" a job. the thing is, it is our job. it is my job, and your job, and our jobs we're talking about. so if you're going to slack, get the hell out, there is no room for that.

there are a couple different kinds of bosses, the ones who are all business and get the hell out if you're not on board, and the ones who accomodate. i'm not sure i'm either, but i can see how appealing being all business would be. it's tough to not treat people disrespectfully while requiring they actually do their job, but it is something that i have to master.

i need to go workout, i'm confused about how to handle these challenges and, well, i need to think. working out frees my mind to roam a bit, and there, perhaps it will encounter some insight. perhaps not, but at least i'll have worked out.

peace. out.

the little shit

is what i keep missing. it's not little in the scheme of my life, but little in the larger picture. my boss snickers away, because i seem to miss one thing every day or so. which isn't a lot, except that it means i spend most of my time driving around picking up the little shit from other stores. i walk in and say,

it's me, i'm the one who does the orders.

and the other night, late, i walked into a store and this sweet little hispanic woman whom i've met only one other time, she reminds me very much of my grams, put her broom down, took off her gloves and walked directly at me. she stopped short, and i said,

were you going to hug me?

yes,

she said.

go ahead,

i said.
and she did. she was so sweet. people like that make me love my job. she doesn't know me, but she treated me like family. that is what i appreciate.

and i walked into another store where a dear girl i adore works, and she leans over the counter and puts her cheek out to me, so i kissed it.

it's such a wonderful group, these kids, these strangers who are rapidly becoming family to me. and i'm told there are some wonderful things planned soon, and i should hold on.

some higher up said i should go to other stores, and my boss said,

she's mine.

which made me smile. it's nice to be wanted, for people to value the work of your hands. i think because my boss can leave the store in my hands and not sweat it too much (until i have a question, that is).

but we're pulling it all together and we're going to work through the tough patches. it's all good.

i'm tired, but i have schoolwork, and my prof said,

you'll be a famous published poet someday, and you must tell me when you're in my neck of the woods so i can hear you read.

i haven't written anything of substance yet this semester, according to my standards, but yet, this is the word i get from my last attempt at a packet. i have to turn another in this next week or so, because i'm horribly behind. but she's supportive and i'm grateful.

then, it will be time to focus on work for awhile. perhaps then, when i'm not divided, i'll be able to catch the little shit that's slipping through my fingers right now.

peace. out.

legend

i cannot speak of what i came to understand today, it is too fresh, too raw, too deep. it was something that happened at belly dancing, and just before. i got a call of concern and it made a difference. i'm not saying i'll be a nice christian lady now, those days are over. i'm saying, i will be me. that is all i promise. come what may, i can't hide behind labels anymore. i can't depend on anything to save me. which means, pretty much, it is what it is. no excuses.

my bundle of contradictions is endless. i've just begun to unwind it, and it leads somewhere, i'm certain. but where, i have no idea. don't pretend to know. and i'm okay with that.

i had to go into the store tonight, and there were wonderful surprises awaiting my arrival (hear, work). so i did my bit o' good, and now i have to spend some time early tomorrow fixing things. it's not fun being the order frau, but it's my gig right now. and i have to do it.

i should try to turn in, but i'm still, also a student, so i have to use these wee hours when there is actual silence (or some semblance of it), in my home, to make some headway. there is no end to the stuff demanding my time and attention these days.

my boss said,

you're an intelligent woman, this should be easy for you.

yes, but i've got a lot going on.

that is all i can say. the details of a store are endless. i can't imagine how to keep all these balls aloft, except to try and ask for help when i need it.

so, early tomorrow before work, i've got some work to do. what else is new. it's my gig and i've got to handle it.

time to read.

peace. out.

just go to bed

i must get up early to drive my girl to the farm tomorrow, but i finally finished one book, a new addition, it was nice that i could power through it. it was the story of a woman's midlife journey, and i guess it applies. ripe with arthurian legend, it is the kind of book that speaks to me. i picked up another she mentioned in the pages, and it's a hefty five hundred or so, i'll put that off until later. i can't do that right now, but maybe i have to. since this 300 plus book was no burden, perhaps that one won't be either.

i dumped a couple belly dance books because i thought i'd die if i had to read about hip shimmys anymore. and the dance of the seven veils, yeah, i get it. tell me something i don't know. they all seem to be the same book regurgitated, save the first one i read, granmother's secrets. that one had many gems. it was not written in a linear fashion either, it wove through the subject, very feminine.

i took the leap of entrusting my book, stalking the dead, to a few of my co-workers. my boss, a couple of people at another store i trust, and, well, who knows. it's out of my hands at this point. it is the greatest gift, the greatest trust i can give a person, some part of me that this book, that book, represents.

i reread it tonight to see if it still held my heart. and tears came. my heart ached, but i was not devastated as i once was. i was not lost, as i have felt for so many years now.

strangely, i know where i am (though i really don't). i know who i am (though, admittedly, i really don't). and all this brave talk is just a farce, but that's okay. i understand my limitations more now than ever, and i will learn to laugh again.

i will learn to live.

i choose to live.

and that's something right there.

now

when i tell you now, how far i've fallen
from the star you once thought me, will you be able to bear it
we are only given one life, one strand of breath, one chance
to make something of it. whatever it is. i'm still figuring that out.

in the meantime, i find laughter coming to me again, life wooing me
and i try to remember who you said i was, who i am, where i'm headed
it all gets turned around, upside down and i don't know what is what anymore.

i just keep moving forward, that seemed to work in the fog
i keep putting one foot in front of the other and sometimes these stumbling steps
lead somewhere, sometimes not. but i know that there is a time coming

when i won't be afraid, when i won't be alone. when i won't berate myself so cruelly. i will have to find mercy for myself, for i can dole it out to any stranger in need, but it is sore lacking when i need it for myself.

then, mercy is lacking. then it is like sleep on a tight schedule, nowhere to be found, until, of course, it's too late.

and the voices i hear tell me to be nice to myself, and i try. i do try. but the bad stuff is always, has always been easier to believe.

the confusions and doubts i fall victim to, the distrust and uncertainty i try to navigate the only way i know how. with eyes open, heart wide and soft, hands feeling for the peace that i once was promised. that i miss. that i long for. that i know is coming to me.

and i navigate this haze, this lifting fog, this clearing
with the gentlest step, for i don't want to startle the mule deer and flicker. the partridge or red fox. i just want to be near them, and have them near me. even if only for an instant, before their wiring demands they flee, and i am again standing alone in a cloud of mist.

a gentleman in my corner

it has been a long, long time since i've felt i've had a gentleman in my corner. there is a psychic comfort in the deal. and i'm grateful. in my goings on at my job, i've been meeting a lot of the larger family, and, well, it's been nice. my boss got a lecture from someone who wants me to succeed (though, perhaps he doesn't realize my boss wants me to succeed too). i tried to clarify any misperceptions there, because my boss is a great guy.

a woman came in last night and in the course of the conversation, i just said,

a lady should have a gentleman in her corner.

and she agreed. it has nothing to do with feminism, or sexism. it just is what it is. and now, i realize, i have a few in my corner, whom i'd overlooked.

but after having a few moments alone with this gentleman, my boss came in and said,

you have a gentleman in your corner.

and i smiled.

he said it with a sigh of resignation. there is some history there, which i don't want to know, and perhaps they'll work it out. perhaps they won't.

i hope they do, because i don't like battles in my corner and while i don't expect them to feign nice, like to know there is peace between those i care about. there isn't much i can do to ensure that, but i can try in whatever ways present themselves.

my boss is a stickler for a lot of things, has very high expectations, and we try to rise to those. he's tired, frustrated, and, perhaps, bored, but still trying to make our team into something special, and i give him props for that.

it's nearly time to go to work.

i have a lot of schoolwork to do. and the store nearly demands all my attention. it's something i have to think about endlessly, the minutia is mindnumbing. and my boss said last night,

when you finally get it, you'll be surprised at how easy it was.

i can't wait for that. i'm still missing things, still forgetting to order certain things. and the gentleman from the other store has saved me many times over.

how many times has he saved your ass?

my boss asked.

lots.

i reply.

and i'm grateful. it's good to know there are gentlemen, still.

paper due

paper done.

did i do a good enough job, that is not for me to decide. but i did decide i can't read anymore belly dancing books or i'll die of boredom. so i've picked up three additions to my biblio, dumping one partially read (two, actually, bd books that bored me to tears).

time to move on.

and my dance needs to be performed very soon. i forget this deadline approaches. what to do. what to do. it is not how i would expect it, but i trust it will be what it needs to be. i am not ready yet, but i will be.

worst case scenario, i dance at my poetry intensive, and get it filmed there. that is my last resort. i will select the audience very carefully, and it will be well.

it's been a crazy day. hubby had a major wreck and, well, we're going to be dealing with that for a while. not fun.

my car ended up needing work, so i'm hoping it will be back before i have to work tomorrow. not sure what to do if it's not.

what else to say, i am tired, but grateful my paper is turned in. i wish i could have done more, but i will finish up three books here soon, and knock off the other three in the next couple weeks. my semester ends in no time. no time at all, and i'm grateful to be done with it. it is time.

and i need to go to bed. i'm tired.

btw, try the eggnog chai. (or chai eggnog), wowza. that's quite something. my boss turned me on to it. and, well, it will be my indulgence, shall we say. i have to go workout tomorrow, speaking of indulgences, i sure hope my car is working. think the hubster is taking the day off to find a doctor. what a mess.

peace. out.

time to visit charon

in my dream the other night, i was reaching the crest of a hill, and i could see a bird circling, circling high, and i kept staring at it, trying to make it out. when it finally came to me, it was an eagle. i remember an old eagle dream i had once, why it never left me, i do not know. the people in the dream really mattered to me.

and this time, no different.

the eagle is a harbinger of good. a helper. a guardian.

how i've needed those. lost in the wood i've been for a couple years now. perhaps the thicket ends at a clearing with a crystal pool and a waterfall. yes, there must be a waterfall.

and my swans.

i do believe in dreams still.

papers and deadlines

i keep trying to get my boss to understand that i'm finishing up my degree this semester (haven't mentioned the one coming down the pike), and it's essential that i finish well. crucial.

i'm multi-tasking, i say, as this is something i've been working toward for fifteen years. i'm five weeks away. five weeks. i have a deadline friday and i'm not even close to being ready for it. i have to write all day thursday for it. there is no other way.

when my boss came back to work, i essentially gave him back everything he'd entrusted to me, dumped it on him, he said. and i had to agree. it's a lot. i don't know that i'm prepared to work so hard, yet. in that sense, though i'm working very hard in all areas, though it sometimes doesn't feel that way.

there's a lot going on. i am doing what i can, and after struggling through my night the other night, i didn't dot my i in the back room, and the district manager visited the next day. (:)i missed it, what can i say. i did the best i could and had to get on with my life.

i've got much to do, must away. paper due and work today.

peace.
out.

don't sweat it

i was standing in a field with bitty, the little chestnut, and just kept breathing in the silence. enjoying being there wasting time. time i did not necessarily have to waste, but could not help but waste. i want them to be happy. how does one know a horse is happy. i'm not sure. but sometimes when i scratch her in just the right place, she wraps her neck around me and nuzzles me. today, she followed me through the paddock and stood at the gate until i returned, as i wasn't there to catch her. i stayed in with her for a bit, but she wanted out, that was clear.

so finally, i got her out and grazed her on a grassy hill. she loved it. the leaves almost bare of trees (ha!). all the while, george stood at the gate and watched bitty feasting. i could tell he wanted out, too. (we call bandit george, because he looks like a george--the new farm owner started calling him that and we've all picked up the name, so i think his unofficial name now is george. funny name for a horse, but it works). anyway, i had george out in the field and i could see my girl in the arena signaling she wanted water. so i had to go to the car and get it, george in tow. but he didn't mind. he came right along with me, and i ran my fingers over his dapple skin and broke the mud clots off his coat. it was nice, having my hands on his large body. i hadn't had a chance to handle him since just after we got to this farm because the big young thoroughbred hurt herself and he and her are like peas and carrots. though today, you'd never know he doesn't abide separation well. he was fine today though, oddly enough. i guess hunger changes the stakes. not that he's starved, but the paddock is eaten down, and the hill where i took them is lush and it won't be that way for long. winter fast approaches.

then to catch the old girl.

today was the toughest time i had with her. though she didn't run from me, she walked slowly. i clicked my tongue a bit, and she eventually turned toward me. i held out a little treat i had for her to see, and then she was hooked. she's a sucker for a sweet. so i was grazing her on the grassy knoll, when my girl's lesson ended. the idea was that when i was done with her, i'd put her in her stall to rest before her lesson. but i kind of lost track of time, and ultimately, my girl retrieved her from me as we were just standing in the silence, in the field, she eating, me just there beside her keeping silent vigil.

and it was back to work after that. so i'm glad for the time to be with them. i'm grateful for the moments in the field when time and sound stand still.

and the hawk's white belly greeted me from the trees today.

and it seemed everything would be all right.

my nightmare keeps unfolding

that was my lament last night. it just seemed to get better and better. and the kids i work with know how to laugh about these kinds of blunders. perhaps it's easier when you're not the one making the blunders to laugh about them. but i was pretty bummed last night. all i could feel was my failure.

called my boss as he arrived at the store this am with another angle, i keep trying to help him not take a hit from this. and he just said,

go back to bed, i'll fix it.

so i get another couple calls and not only am i not the worst case in the district, i'm not the highest ranking worst case. let's leave it at that. all this to make me feel better, but it doesn't make me feel much better that others have to struggle with this now too. it reveals a serious flaw in the system if such major errors, loopholes, blackholes, if you will, are built into the system.

i missed it. competely. and it was so obvious, but i remember a lot of things that happened, and i can't beat myself up about it. i'm going to the farm, away from my life and let the horses put me back together again. that is the kindness they provide. draw me back to now. to this moment, when i want to run away.

sometimes it feels like it all gets away from me. that's how i feel now. my boss came back and i just let it all go. that was not the right thing to do either, there are some responsibilities i need to maintain whether he's in town or not. but he must help me through this learning part, because i have so much to do at the store, i can hardly manage it all with our current staffing situation.

i wish i had more days off, but i'm grateful for the kindness of my boss who is helping dig the store out of a hole. sigh.

learning is very tough.

no tonic for this

i didn't think the falls would come so quickly, and in such rapid succession.

it's great to have people who support you, even relative newcomers to your life. without their reframing of the current madness, i'd truly have flipped out. i'm trying not to run myself off the road mentally, and just let it go. somethings are beyond me. this is beyond me.

it is broken and cannot be fixed, not by me, not tonight.

it sucks that my boss is going to take a hit from this. in many respects. and, well, i just hate making mistakes.

and i didn't even wear waterproof mascara, just adding to the wonder of the evening.

i think i need to complete this cry and just wallow in it a bit.
but i'm working in a "happy" place, trying to shake off my latest failure.

and it just hurts.

i put such pressure on myself to perform, and when it just doesn't happen, it just doesn't go down easy.

i really screwed this up. massively.

ah well, my bad.

what's next?

i resolve, then i unresolve. i resolve, then i unresolve. that's not resolve then, i guess. that's called wavering. or weighing options. i'm approaching huge crossroads in my life and i'm trying to navigate to where i need to be. only trouble is, i don't have a clue where that is or what it looks like.

and i'm beginning to love where i'm at. strange as that sounds.

i cried driving home tonight because i felt that kind of joy inside that has eluded me for so many years, my whole life, perhaps.

but it's coming closer and i'm welcoming it.

very tired, must rest. too much to do to waste time anymore. that's the fact of the matter.

peace.

restraint

has never been my strong suit. damn, i don't think it's been any suit i've ever owned, stong or weak. it just isn't in my repertoire, shall we say. but i need to get it. to find it. to buy it, borrow it, or steal it. i must make it mine.

i'm learning a great, great deal at the moment. and having just processed a few things i had on a shelf labeled, hold for contemplation, i have a bit of a better angle on things.

i won't do everything perfectly, but i will begin to learn the art of restraint.

will i blow it, certainly.

will i get up, dust myself off and try again, of course.

at least i know that much. it won't elude me forever. i just have to seek it out.

sometimes i wonder if these things are not just like the herd of horses i have befriended. at first they were not trusting of me, as i had not made myself known. but now, even with our mutual alliance, i must pay them respect, they are simply bigger than me. they could hurt me. but, i also know, they respect me in their own way now. and i have to trust that.

i imagine restraint will come much the same way. i'll make myself known to it. court it, shall we say. and then, perhaps, it will get its scent all over me, and i will find i like the smell of restraint. that i crave the smell of it. that i drive very far every week just to spend time alone with it.

where to begin.

i'm not sure. admitting that i have no idea is a good place, the first place, usually. i just hadn't realized one could be so clueless about so many things. i don't want to be clueless, i don't want to be this brand of naive.

i want to be perfect. but that is not possible, nor is it wise.

what is there to learn, what is there to challenge yourself on or with if you're perfect? and who could abide your company then?

surely not me.

so, partner to restraint i must court grace. and give myself heavy doses of it daily. to swallow it down, murky tablespoon full after murky tablespoon full, until i crave it, my daily medicine.

being kind to myself is hard. it is hard for a lot of ladies i know. but, one cannot find any of these solitary creatures, for, i think it has just occurred to me that they are herd animals. kindness, restraint, grace, they all travel together and not in the crowds i run in. but therein the problem lies.

i have to do the work of receiving these foreigners the way i worked for my friends, and while some would say, they're a gift. they're free. yeah? then why don't i have them? why are they never in my life when i need them? i'm not proposing some workhorse theology (snicker, snicker, that was not intentional diction, it just happened), i am only saying, for this girl, i need to invest in these things to reap the reward. because if it worked any other way, it would have worked by now. and it hasn't.

grace. restraint. kindness.

holy hell, that's a tough

or is it?