don't let me forget

it's been so long, so very long since i've had a whisper of hope. and now, life calls to me again, do i turn away? do i release myself from the bondage of grief? it has been so long since i've felt like me. and i'm me again.

the good, the bad, the inbetween.

but there are moments still, i stop and look back, turning my head over my shoulder wondering if i'll see the strider coming over the fields of grain, if i'll hear his voice call out to me. i pause for a moment and listen. all is silent, so i move on. i go forward, i make myself live.

my friend whom i'd entrusted my book to said,

next time you write a poetry book, don't make it so sad.

and i smiled, and said,

i'd try.

someone said to me today,

i haven't seen you this happy.

and it was true, i'd been so locked up in my head, a tower of impenetrable grief. but then, the time passed, and i found that there are those who want my company, who want my presence, who want me to be active and alive.

somehow, this encourages me to want to be active and alive.

no more the looker on, but the active participant. making mistakes, making choices, making each moment what it needs to be.

and now as i consider the road ahead, the journey it will take me, and wonder if i can do it, if i can in fact swing it. i believe i can hear you whipser to me, just try.

i won't know if i can do it if i don't try. and there are lots of people who do much, much more than i'm doing and are successful. i simply have to find out what makes me successful. and do that.

mostly, i think it's committing myself to something. to giving my word that i will do my best at it. and i can't let that slide. i have to try.

holidays are here again, and i'm uninterested. i'm captivated by work and the people there, they are so good to me. and it is hard work but we care for each other, and that helps.

i feel a part of something. is it something transient? i don't know, i cannot say. all i can say now is, it's something healing. even when it's tough. even when it's difficult. even when i cry. it's where i'm supposed to be.

and for now, that is enough.