restraint

has never been my strong suit. damn, i don't think it's been any suit i've ever owned, stong or weak. it just isn't in my repertoire, shall we say. but i need to get it. to find it. to buy it, borrow it, or steal it. i must make it mine.

i'm learning a great, great deal at the moment. and having just processed a few things i had on a shelf labeled, hold for contemplation, i have a bit of a better angle on things.

i won't do everything perfectly, but i will begin to learn the art of restraint.

will i blow it, certainly.

will i get up, dust myself off and try again, of course.

at least i know that much. it won't elude me forever. i just have to seek it out.

sometimes i wonder if these things are not just like the herd of horses i have befriended. at first they were not trusting of me, as i had not made myself known. but now, even with our mutual alliance, i must pay them respect, they are simply bigger than me. they could hurt me. but, i also know, they respect me in their own way now. and i have to trust that.

i imagine restraint will come much the same way. i'll make myself known to it. court it, shall we say. and then, perhaps, it will get its scent all over me, and i will find i like the smell of restraint. that i crave the smell of it. that i drive very far every week just to spend time alone with it.

where to begin.

i'm not sure. admitting that i have no idea is a good place, the first place, usually. i just hadn't realized one could be so clueless about so many things. i don't want to be clueless, i don't want to be this brand of naive.

i want to be perfect. but that is not possible, nor is it wise.

what is there to learn, what is there to challenge yourself on or with if you're perfect? and who could abide your company then?

surely not me.

so, partner to restraint i must court grace. and give myself heavy doses of it daily. to swallow it down, murky tablespoon full after murky tablespoon full, until i crave it, my daily medicine.

being kind to myself is hard. it is hard for a lot of ladies i know. but, one cannot find any of these solitary creatures, for, i think it has just occurred to me that they are herd animals. kindness, restraint, grace, they all travel together and not in the crowds i run in. but therein the problem lies.

i have to do the work of receiving these foreigners the way i worked for my friends, and while some would say, they're a gift. they're free. yeah? then why don't i have them? why are they never in my life when i need them? i'm not proposing some workhorse theology (snicker, snicker, that was not intentional diction, it just happened), i am only saying, for this girl, i need to invest in these things to reap the reward. because if it worked any other way, it would have worked by now. and it hasn't.

grace. restraint. kindness.

holy hell, that's a tough

or is it?