just go to bed

i must get up early to drive my girl to the farm tomorrow, but i finally finished one book, a new addition, it was nice that i could power through it. it was the story of a woman's midlife journey, and i guess it applies. ripe with arthurian legend, it is the kind of book that speaks to me. i picked up another she mentioned in the pages, and it's a hefty five hundred or so, i'll put that off until later. i can't do that right now, but maybe i have to. since this 300 plus book was no burden, perhaps that one won't be either.

i dumped a couple belly dance books because i thought i'd die if i had to read about hip shimmys anymore. and the dance of the seven veils, yeah, i get it. tell me something i don't know. they all seem to be the same book regurgitated, save the first one i read, granmother's secrets. that one had many gems. it was not written in a linear fashion either, it wove through the subject, very feminine.

i took the leap of entrusting my book, stalking the dead, to a few of my co-workers. my boss, a couple of people at another store i trust, and, well, who knows. it's out of my hands at this point. it is the greatest gift, the greatest trust i can give a person, some part of me that this book, that book, represents.

i reread it tonight to see if it still held my heart. and tears came. my heart ached, but i was not devastated as i once was. i was not lost, as i have felt for so many years now.

strangely, i know where i am (though i really don't). i know who i am (though, admittedly, i really don't). and all this brave talk is just a farce, but that's okay. i understand my limitations more now than ever, and i will learn to laugh again.

i will learn to live.

i choose to live.

and that's something right there.