now

when i tell you now, how far i've fallen
from the star you once thought me, will you be able to bear it
we are only given one life, one strand of breath, one chance
to make something of it. whatever it is. i'm still figuring that out.

in the meantime, i find laughter coming to me again, life wooing me
and i try to remember who you said i was, who i am, where i'm headed
it all gets turned around, upside down and i don't know what is what anymore.

i just keep moving forward, that seemed to work in the fog
i keep putting one foot in front of the other and sometimes these stumbling steps
lead somewhere, sometimes not. but i know that there is a time coming

when i won't be afraid, when i won't be alone. when i won't berate myself so cruelly. i will have to find mercy for myself, for i can dole it out to any stranger in need, but it is sore lacking when i need it for myself.

then, mercy is lacking. then it is like sleep on a tight schedule, nowhere to be found, until, of course, it's too late.

and the voices i hear tell me to be nice to myself, and i try. i do try. but the bad stuff is always, has always been easier to believe.

the confusions and doubts i fall victim to, the distrust and uncertainty i try to navigate the only way i know how. with eyes open, heart wide and soft, hands feeling for the peace that i once was promised. that i miss. that i long for. that i know is coming to me.

and i navigate this haze, this lifting fog, this clearing
with the gentlest step, for i don't want to startle the mule deer and flicker. the partridge or red fox. i just want to be near them, and have them near me. even if only for an instant, before their wiring demands they flee, and i am again standing alone in a cloud of mist.